x`destinesia-.xx

Point of no return

2009-04-22T21:45:00.002+08:00

Age 19?

Overdued wishlist?

Hah. Guess what. This blog wont be updated til forever.

Only those close to me wud know my new blog.

It is still under construction, tho.

This will be, my point of no return.

Tata.

Under Construction

2009-03-01T22:37:00.002+08:00

Blog hasn't been updated since 2007.

Await for my return...

` empty `

2008-07-13T14:42:00.002+08:00

i dont need friends who THINK they are friends.

i certainly dont need love from someone who dont appreciate me or dont want to love me as they say they wud.

ive exhausted evry effort out of me and im tired.
empty.

im empty, u happy now?

and don do this to me when im abt to go.

`` Pissed ``

2008-02-23T23:51:00.006+08:00

Im pissed bcz i have been waiting for 8 days for my phone. The long wait is not such a big issue. It's the customer service. The least they can do is inform me and let me know it will take longer or somethn. Cheebye.

I came down to the care centre earlier today. The chinese girl behind the counter is so fucking idiotic. 1st: never greet me. No welcome, hi can I help you etc. 2nd: not even a fucking smile on her face. 3rd: no initiative to approach me. The way she talked to me also like can't be bothered and full of attitude. What kind of service is this? Pissing people off service got la.

Im going to complain to Nokia regarding this Chinese girl with short boyish hair and fringe dyed red. Very unfriendly face. Non-approachable. What makes it even worse, the staffs at Nokia Care Center Tampines Century Square do not wear a name tag. Most retail companies, the workers in the frontline wear a name tag seyy. Even McDonald's wear! I think Nokia afraid to show their workers' identity. In cases like complaints I guess.

My god! Even in my company, my colleagues will get scolded for being rude to a customer seyy. No wonder Singapore's service standard dropped way down.

This is how it went:
I stood in line at the info counter. There was a couple in front of us, me and my sis. Then a lady from nowhere just walk straight in front (CUT QUEUE) and asked the Chinese girl regarding her phone. That is one mistake in her service. Just ignore what's happening in front of her. It's ok, I just let it past.

After the lady walked off, I stood in front of this idiotic girl. I was waiting to be greeted. None given. Instead she just looked at the computer screen in front of her. Trying to be oblivious to her surroundings.

So I began to approach her.

Me: Hi can I know when I can collect my phone?
Idiot: (still no 'Hi how can I help you' etc shit) What's wrong with your phone? (-ask me like not happy, macam nak cari gaduh.-)
Me: There is somethn wrong with the screen display.
Idiot: (with no eye contact) For that case, it usually takes 3 to 5 days.
Me: Ok, it has been 8 days.
Idiot: Well, it is only estimated to take 3 to 5 days. Its only an estimation. It may take longer. I do not know. You have to wait for our call.
Me: Can you at least check the status or somethn or tell me how long more it will take?
Idiot: Where is your acknowledgement form? (macam sial. cannot ask in a nicer manner like 'Can i take a look at your acknowledgement form?')
Me: -i pass the form to her
Idiot: (-took the form and 'checked' the computer for i donno what, maybe just pretend to check so dat i can just go away. she passed back the form to me with 2 fingers folding the paper. like passing me a money note.-) It's not ready yet.
Me: -still expecting somethn more than just "its not ready yet", i frowned at her took the paper and left.-

Im fucking pissed. This is the 2nd time I sent my phone there, and I have never been treated so low standard like this. The first time, the girl inform me and told me I can collect the next Tuesday after 5pm. Information Information! Hello? The idiotic chinese girl definitely donno what she is doing at the INFORMATION counter. Fuck her la, Im complaining to Nokia abt her. No name pon nvr mind. I can just call her Idiot.

Im going to make sure the next time I come to your care centre, idiot, Im going to ask for your manager if he or she has received my complaint letter regarding your rude service. I think Nokia would rather sack you than have pissed off customers. My God! How the hell Nokia could have hired such an idiot like you. I curse you, that your eyes will roll all the way to the back, bcz you rolled your eyes at me. Cheebye.

`` It's just how it is ``

2008-01-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

He leaves evrythn to FATE.

He wudn`t try to change destiny, at all.

`` I ain`t stupid ``

2008-01-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

Tho I was bitter on this new year mood, I wasn`t so bitter when I met up w my gf.

I`m reali very glad to see u again, Syahdah. Ur company has always been a sweet escape for me from all my troubles. It was fun to shop shop shop at MNG yday (: We didnt even realise the time. Tgk sini, tgk sana. Haha.

Someone`s been trying to cheer me up. Just bcz Im bitter, and im being bitter to dat someone. Tau takut. Kalau aku tk bitter, mesti kau tk fikir ada pape yg tak kena.

I`ve been so bitter, I could shop all day on my own, without anyone`s company bcz the contentment I get is so much to throw away the bitterness in me. Noone to judge on what I`m buying, noone to make me wait, noone for me to keep waiting, noone for me to menyusahkan.

I think I`ve spent too much now, dat I dont think I have enough to get the surprise I planned for someone. Haishh. Hangat-hangat taik ayam.

I ain`t stupid ya noe. U can meet up wif other frens on such short notice, but yet can`t get back to me on when WE CAN MEET UP? U`ve kept me waiting 1 mth plus already. It`s one thing to keep others waiting for an answer, and it`s another to fool someone. You know what? You can forget abt it. Happy new year.

`` Why the new year is never happy for me ``

2007-12-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

Once my soulmate; once my confidant; once my bestfriend.

It was all once upon a time.

The time now, 40 minutes to welcoming the new year, 2008.

My vow I have faithfully kept to since 2005.

New Year's Eve is not a day for me to celebrate, until he asks me.

Somethn I've wanted, patiently waited till now.

Maybe I'm only waiting onto somethn impossible.

It nvr happened, even till 2008 slips in.

He nvr thinks of it.

It takes years for a fool to realise dat waiting this long is utterly idiotic and pathetic.

I'm a fool. A sad idiot.

You dont have to tell me, not to feel this way, do this or anythn.

It's my vow, my decision. And I stick to what I strongly believe.

It is my choice, whether I wanna feel this way every NY eve.

It is my choice, whether I feel like going out and dance the night away.

So, this time around, Im alone at home, listening to Sakura Drops (Utada Hikaru).

It can be on replay for the gazillionth time, and Im still not sick of it.

Until my sorrow is drowned, it will keep spinning in my ears.

Even if I fell asleep crying.

As long as he doesnt know of my vow, and what I have kept to myself all these years.

Now known to all, it doesnt matter bcz he still doesnt know.

I swear to not celebrate the New Year, even without him. Even if one day he finally asks. Bcz I already know, what belongs to me and what dont. I already know what is meant for me and what will be given to me.

It hit me hard when I realised where I stand.

Know where I stand?

No where. I don't hold a special place in his heart.

I cant brainwash this on my own; it keeps slipping off my mind.

My mind of which has not much traces of memory.

What was my resolution last yr anw?

Shucks. I cant rmbr.

What shud it be this yr?

Be happy? Be healthy? Be single forever? Be wasted? Dont fall in love?

HAHAHA.

Gila kaper aku niiiii.

Maybe I'll make my firm decision now.

Inspired by sakura drops..

I shall write down the first 2 lines of the song, in English.

Fall in love; then it ends.
I swear: This will be my last heartbreak.

And dat is why the new year is nvr happy for me...

`` Why friendship to me is never forever ``

2007-12-22T21:59:00.000+08:00

I`ve had friends. Good and bad. Funny and sad. Happy and mad. All sorts. But not all reali qualify the meaning of a true friend. Even the ones who get to hold titles.

So many "bestfriends" came and went. So i guess, they shudnt be entitled to dat label.

Currently, one of my "bestfriends" hasn't even bothered to contact w me since her bday which was in March. When I finally bumped into her and I asked her where has she gone to, she simply said, we talk later ok? Ya, and the sms or call nvr came. Dont question why Im d one who didnt contact her. She don even reply to my smses. The other one promises to send me those photos of our last time together, but let me see, it has already been 3 months. I can guarantee u, dat 3 months will soon turn to 3 years. Im not kidding. Kata "bestfriends".

And if Im not wrong I have like another.. 2 "bestfriends" whom I've known quite long. They don even bother to keep in touch. And let me say this, "I'm busy with work/my life" is just a stupid excuse. Ur not the only one in the world who is busy and have a life. Dont be selfish. Why do I even bother keeping i touch when our conversations go like this...

Me: Hello! What u doing?
"BF": Not much, why?
Me: Ouh, takda, nak tanya je khabar.. How r u?
"BF": Im fine, thks..
Me: Are u free this wkend?

If Im lucky, I get a reply to dat qns. But usuali, the convo ends there. This is what I call the "DONT BOTHER" attitude. Where you noe, they only answer what ur asking them, not out of interest, but out of politeness and rightness. Like "have you eaten? -yes.", "what u doing? -watch tv." etc.. Sometimes, i think they sound like a robot, programmed to answer qns w simple replies.

Since I know "bestfriends" dont realli function as they say they are, I have quite a no. of gd friends. I dont dare to start calling them bestfriend or anythn like dat just so they don start having the "DONT BOTHER" attitude. They are realli gd friends. But this r'ship is very vulnerable. Simple or petty things can just cause a rift. And especially external things, nothing to do w us. It maybe bcz of some work, some other friends, some backstabbers, and the friendship is over. And usuali, this IS the r'ship i treasure most bcz im able to not expect so much but yet what we share makes us happy.

What makes me sad abt the good friends, i treat them just as gd as "bestfriends". They always have my back. They will always have my time. Anytime, anywhere, Im there. But when we have a small argument and it creates a distance btwn us, my gd friend moves on to other friends whom usuali was disliked. And den poof! They are as close as sisters. N there I am, looking like an idiot. Why? Im walking ard w a knife stuck in my back! As if I wasnt bleeding enough, my gd friend can even act as if nothing happen. I wonder how can one turn so cruel and cold. Maybe, it gives them a sense of achievement to see me sad.

Sometimes, I wonder. When Im finally happy without anyone's crap, they come back n say dat I have always been there for them, and dat I didnt do anythn wrong except being a gd person to them.

I reali have been there, done dat. Dats y friendship is not forever to me. Its a matter of understanding the meaning of 'friend' and reali know the meaning appreciation. And sometimes, I can nvr understand why Im still nice to ppl who treat me like dirt.

`` Why do you always waste time? ``

2007-11-25T15:21:00.000+08:00

What if tmr never comes? Would u have regrets in life? Would u have wished dat u could have done somethings instead of wasting time and thinking u have tmr to do it?

Why do u treat it like dat? U know time is gonna be a BIG constraint next week, and the following week. And what did u do last night? Dont even rmbr to text me. Nvr even wished me gd night. So obvious I was in a bad mood, but yet I nvr hear anythn from u.

When I told you, 'Fine. Dont have to sms me.', why did u sms me then? When Im in a BAD mood, u keep smsing me. When Im already done for with the 'no sms from u', when I already SHUT UP, why den I hear from u? Is the timing right? Why do u do it when the timing is WRONG?

I dont fucking care. Im not gonna talk to you. U wait till tmr comes, and see if u got the time to sms me. TELL ME IF TMR WILL EVEN COME. If u find dere is absolutely no fucking way u can find the TIME to text me and say u miss me, learn it. Learn your lesson hard.

`` Sick ``

2007-11-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

Im sick! And I hate the feeling.

Where u.. It has always been fun talking to you.. Dont kacau me when im already asleep.. But I dont mind either.. Haha..

`` What I want, like right now ``

2007-11-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

I want a pair of red skinny jeans, a pair of new grey contact lens, a pair of flats, watch, psp, new phone, new mp3. I WANT A LOT OF NEW THINGS!

Gosh~ When did I become so materialistic? Haha. Alamak these things make me happy la, cant help it.

The LG phone is so pretty. I want a better 3G phone, or better yet, make it 3.5G phone. And if can, get a red one. If no red one, i'll go and g-mask it. Haah.

If my desires continue at this rate, where am i to find money to go University? Siao.

Happy Deepavali, to whomever celebrating it. So sian have to go back to work tmr lei. Why cant Singapore be more lenient with the holiday mood? Give longer weekends. Negeri mmg nak maju, tapi org nye pon mau jugak hidup bahagia.. Haiz.

Tmr ada tarian practice, like after soooo long. Why eh now? But nevertheless, I`ll still come and see how has evryone been so far, since like, August?

Anw, received a few raya pics which is a week overdue from `Azzah. Thanks girl. Also the smaller pics r from Haikal. And I didnt noe after putting on weight, d kain fits me so nicely, but the baju is so besar! Tak flattering seyy. Who ask me to wear anw, haha. Kla, dats all. Enjoy viewing the pics.

`` I cant sleep bcz of you ``

2007-11-04T02:39:00.000+08:00

I CANT SLEEEEEP.

2:40am

Web surfing.

Watch MTV.

Still not tired.

Blog.

Ugh!!!!!! I so lost the mood to talk to you already. What if tmr I tak layan u langsung? Dont scold me hor. I bingit!!!!!!!

`` Retail therapy!! ``

2007-11-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

I cudnt help but splurge on these!

I hate to dig up my containers for ear studs, earrings and other stuffs, so when I saw and fell in love with the earring stand and necklace hanger, I bought them once my pay kicked in! They look very bare now, ya I know. But knowing me, the earring stand wont stand bare for too long. And u will see more watches, rings and necklaces hanging on the other stand soon. Haha.

And if animal prints wasn`t enuff, I fell in love with feather earrings now. Well a lot more recent la. Just dat I finally get to blog now. Haha. Feeling2 Pocahontas la kira. Red Indian. I bought like 4 pairs of feather earrings in Sept from Dorothy Perkins n Topshop and the last I got from Level One Far East Plaza was such a steal for just $2. Yday Friday, I got a white pair for $3. Bought on the spot with no hesitations.

While waiting for b to show up yday at Far East, I cudnt wait any longer and started shopping. Initially, I wanted to get things with b after work. But his book-out was delayed till 1830. So I decided to knock off from work at 1800. Tu pon not enuff time to finish up my work. For the first time, time past by so fast while Im doing work. Since I don have anythn to do for 1hr and 15mins, I got my stuffs, and paid my hp bill. Working in Orchard made me feel so used to the place dat I keep forgetting its TOWN for God`s sake. If u ever see me dressed so slack in town, just rmbr, I work in town not hanging out in town. But I try my best to dress ok. Haha. Bcz u`ll nvr know who u`d bump into.

And I finally found what Ive been trying to get. A hooded half-cardigan. Haha. What a name I give it. There was no more black left, there is brown which I didnt get bcz I already have a brown half-blazer, there is white but i dont think i can jaga such a colour, there is blue but I don like the shade of it. So in the end, I settled on a green piece. And dats it! I vow not to splurge on cardigans for at least 2 mths coming, bcz I`ve just got 2 grey ones in Oct and now a new green one. Crazy. I cant help it bcz its so cold in the office! I don noe how these ppl have thicker skins than me lei.

Yup, dats the green hooded half-cardigan Im in love with. And dats how I look like now, CHUBBY.

Ya retail therapy keeps depression at bay, but someone`s not talking to me and dats bothering me. And I think I made a mistake by saying I`d give him space bcz I CANT STAND THE SPACE! Tsk. Bingit bingit. Abeh now, I can tell Im gonna lose the mood to talk bcz the space took over me.

I guess I`ll just pass the time by just listening to my mp3. Oh and btw, anyone wants to buy my mp3? Dont worry its only 2 mths old with not a single scratch. It is 2GB and red in colour. Samsung YP-K3. Im sellin it bcz I wanna get the new model bcz got purple colour! Tak bingit ke, baru beli den got new better and nicer one? Ugh. Any takers? If not, den i guess im going to g-mask it, along with my phone, which Im planning to replace also. Hahaha. Ape la..

Kla, I know Im gonna blow at b once he is ok. But what can I do? I cant help it. Its just me.

``The total opposite``

2007-09-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

What used to be:
Too faithful. Ever sacrificing. Quiet. Reliant on her other half. Serious. Dont usuali talk back. Selfless. Puts the blame on self and first to apologize. Ever ready to be there for him.

Now:
Non-existent faith. Can sacrifice lah, a bit a bit. Sometimes talkative, but seldom comment or judge. Independent. Take things lightly (lek-lek aje..). Defensive bcz I speak up for myself and stand my own ground. Still selfless but care abt herself more now. Rational, see what went wrong and then see what is to blame. Can`t be bothered, have to think of myself now.

See, when it used to be the time when I dedicated my all to someone, it is meant to stay. But when my dedication isn`t appreciated, I choose to go. Now, I really really can`t be bothered. I don want history to repeat itself. Much less to get hurt again.

When u came back, all changed and the total opposite of a past you, u can`t expect me to be the same. Like you, I`ve changed too. I`m not totali the opposite, but many opinions of mine have changed to suit my life. Mean, verbally abusive, unappreciating, hardly there for me, dats too much for a girl to bear for 4 years. Thoughtful, kind, well-mannered, self-sacrificing, now dat comes as a huge surprise for me and out of the ordinary bcz it was nvr like diz. Im used to the harshness, and being undeserving. Im ever ready to be scolded with vulgarities and such. Im ready to be handled roughly on the ride. Im ready to have angry phonecalls. Im ready to be left behind while u walk off without me. But all of dat is no more. U finally came back, to make me happy. I dont get it bcz what izit dat u want from me? And when i seem to not appreciate ur efforts, u think i donno how to appreciate u. But reali its bcz i don wanna get lost in all these sweet things and later get trapped in somethn dat will kill me again. History SHALL NOT repeat itself. All of these, don mean anythn. I try to make sense of it all, but nothing came to it.

For now, im going wif the flow. Bcz for all the times I lived in pain and agony, I noe i deserve some tender loving care. For all the tears i have shed to ease the pain, I noe i deserve some attention now. Getting what i deserved a long time ago NOW doesnt make me complete, still.

I long to be liked by someone special. I long to get the massive attention from him. I long to be able to spend most of my time doing memorable things with him. I long to be in love. I long to be pampered again.

However however. What Ive gone thru reminds me of exactly why Im still damn single. Not bcz I have no luck wif u guys. But bcz i push the luck away. I don want it. Im not keen on rships anymore or even frenship. I shall not take the slightest risk to be torn apart again. Call me arrogant, call me stubborn, call me mean. Just bcz u find dat i don even give u a chance to tell me ur name (haha..), tell me more abt urself, or even let u be my friend (bcz u certainly have no chance in getting the title of BF), DOES NOT mean dat Im arrogant etc. D standoffish attitude u get is due to the horrible chapters in my past. Im just breaking out of my shell damn it. Dont expect me to still be dat nice little girl who loves to give.

If i were ever given a chance to relive my life, i wud nvr want to bcz dat wud mean im just looking for death. For my beloved frenz (and i don mean doz who turn to be hypocrites and liars) and family, I don need to relive my life to know Ive known u, bcz u ppl are the ones embedded in my heart. Heh.

Talking abt frenz, none of them reali exist. Except for maybe a few which i shall not name bcz if who ever's names are not mentioned, they noe they are non-existent lor in my life. But last count, i have ard less than 8 true frenz.

Don tell me to keep things btwn us secret, bcz im already a low-profiler. If dat just mean dat u have some skeletons in the closet still, den u don earn dat trust from me honey. Nah-uh. Sometimes i wish i cud scream out loud, I HATE YOU. But nah.. Dats too strong tho its exactly what i feel. Haha.

Its too late now for things to change, bcz nothing means anythn now baby..

im back...

2007-09-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

May. June. July. Aug.

And now, Sept.

It has been a while huh?

5 months passed and life has nvr been such a breath of fresh air. How and where have i been??!

Compared to the situation a year ago, Im much fitter and happier. Like seriously.

I threw away what hurt me. And retail therapy healed me bcz it made me forget what broke my heart. Frenships, relationships.

Problems? Im free of it. I guess? Related to emotions i mean.

Whats new abt me? Im working. Im fit. Im in love wif animal prints and metallic leggings. Caps. Tube tops. Gadgets. I so love my new mp3. It's RED! I sound so materialistic bcz i nvr used to be like dis haha. Aiyoh. All also must get one. But doesnt mean i don pay my own hp bills, pay for all those stuffs dat i want. I live on my own money now basically.. Chey, so responsible la kira. Pui.

So anw, don worry abt me. I noe its so difficult to hear news from me bcz im such a low-profiler. Just think of it dis way, Im free of heartbreaks and phony frenships. Okay? Whats past is passssstt.. Its whateverrrrr.

Hee. And Asmui. Sorry i cudnt reply ur email. Im not overseas la.. Sejak bila pulak aku merantau ni.. Tetap patriotik pada Singapuraku. Orite bubyeee!

`Was it a mistake?`

2007-04-16T17:32:00.000+08:00

Liking you, was it a mistake?

`First ever blogskin I made!`

2007-04-05T02:49:00.000+08:00

Err. How`s the skin? Learning on my own is reali frustrating when I donno how to adjust certain things. But still, thanks to Julie for giving me a short tutorial d other day. Haha. Any feedback pls tell me. Bcz Im still LEARNING!!

Btw, just finished chatting with Sobrie's adek sedare. Somehow, Wan signed in as Sobrie and he chat with me. Kinda nice to know certain things like, Sobrie's desktop bckgrd is STILL my picture, for a few weeks close to a month now? Ok, Soul, stop smiling... Its 3am now...

Ish, best nye nanti dpt jumpa Maya! YEY! Suka suka suka!

Okay, gd nyte!

`Leave a better impression`

2007-04-04T18:17:00.000+08:00

Now sitting in front of the comp wif Sue (my white kitten) sleeping on my lap. Came back from Marina Square an hour ago. Went for walk-in interview at Fox. But before dat...

I was still sleeping soundly in bed when my mum woke me up. It was 1125.

Mak: Eah, bangun la.. Tolong2 mak sapu ke ape ke..
Eah: Da bangun da.. Lama..
Mak: Abeh? Bangun la turun tolong mak.. Awak nak g interview kan nari?
Eah: A`ah, canne mak tau?
Mak: Kakak call pagi tadi.. Da bangun la..

She closed the door, and I went back to rolling2 on my bed. The reason why she asked me to turun is bcz I sleep on the 2nd floor of a bunk bed dat I share wif my adek. Den, less than 5 mins later, she opened the door again and asked...

Mak: Eah, pergi interview kol brp ni?
Eah: Entah.. Ptg sikit ke..

She closed the door. Then a few seconds later, she opened again and said...

Mak: Ah! Eah g bebual la dgn kakak. She`s on the phone. Susah la mak nak ulang alik kasi jawapan.
Eah: Ek`elehh.. bukan nak kata.. Laa..

So, mabok-ly went to answer d phone, and my sis said to meet at Marina Square Mac D at 1pm. I was like, "Huh.. Uh.. Okay lor.. Eah siap skrg.. Bye."

Sialah! How to make it to Marina Square by 1pm? I havent taken passport-sized photo, photocopy documents and worst still, BATHE! Ape lagi, terus mandi uh.. Lepas mandi, gosok baju.. Then, my dad offered to hantar me to Marina Square.

Before we went to Marina, I went to Bedok Central to get the things done uh. The shop I wanna take my photo at was closed and will only open at 3pm. So have no other choice, go to the one in the middle beside Watsons there. The reason why I prefer the first shop is simply bcz service is better there. Well, came to the 2nd shop and so many ppl dere. Haishh. Luckily, I wasn`t kept waiting for too long. The lady photocopied my stuffs first before I went into the cramped, off-limits-to-customer-to-enter shop. Stupid lady donno how to count 1 2 3. I was nice enuff not to snap at her. Just bcz I know they were handling many customers at the moment. No wonder I still prefer the first shop. Ok, whatever. Photo sucks anyway. Paid and left. Looked for my dad who was waiting in the carpark, and then drove off to Marina Square.

Met my sis at Mac D, let her finish her sundae first before I went to apply at Fox. Quite a no. of ppl signing up for this job. A few cute guys. A few MINAHS too. You know Minahs.. When u are a Minah.. You will still look like one no matter WHAT you are wearing. There were like 4 of them. My sis cudnt stop rolling her eyes at me. Well, she cant roll her eyes at them simply bcz we were standing behind them. Kakak then typed "MINAHS!!" on her phone and let me read it. Haha. I laughed and i typed, "Emo wannabes". Bcz some of them, eyeliner pehhhhh teballllll.... Bedak pehhhhhh teballlll.... Eh wah eh.. Yg lagi satu, oishh. Blusher dia very the HAHAHAHAH. Ada yg step pakai mcm kakak2, ya Allah. Pls eh. No matter how gd u try to dress up like other presentable ppl, u will still appear as a Minah.

So we waited for like i donno, half an hour? 40 minutes? Till d lady called out "Solehah?". Nasib tak kuat sgt dia panggil. I mean, who the hell call me Solehah nowadays right? Except maybe some frenz la.. But to most ppl, they only know me as Soul or Eah. The interview was okay? Nothing great lor. Not too draggy also. Bcz they kept many ppl waiting in line for hours. Mean ppl. Haha. Before gg for the interview, my sis made me buy a file to put in the photocopied docs dat I have to give them. Simply bcz she said dat it is presentable to give in a file. Then in the end, the lady took the papers out of the file, and returned it to me. Haiyo, waste of my $2.95. Takpe, use it for later or sumtin la.

After the interview, we were so hungry and I made my sis eat Mac D. Just bcz I was craving for fast food, and the Longevity burger. Lepas makan, dok jap bebual2 skali my sis said, "Eh, adek Irna ke tu?" I turned and looked, skali she was one of our old frenz. YASMIN SIDEK! Lama tak jumpa, tau pon! Chatted, exchanged no. before she went off to sit wif her fren. Serious seyy, kita tinggal tak jauh seyy Min.. Haha. Ape dok.

After eating, we left for the MRT. My sis was gg for bbq at Pasir Ris, and me? Go home la. It`s WEDNESDAY. Soul is usually home on Wednesdays bcz she nvr miss The Dance Floor. While waiting for the train at City Hall, there was a funny moment when a nyonya, wif her SARDINE face selit to stand right in front of the glass exits. Bukannye ramai org sah kat depan tu exit. Abeh selit dgn muka stoink dia, susah2 selit kat tempat yg sempit. Kelakar sak muka laki Cina tu, bingit. Da tu, she just stood on front, stare into the glass at the empty tunnel. Me and my sis da kekek2, bcz I was re-enacting her actions...

Eah: Kakak, kakak! Kak diri kat sini sikit k, pastu Eah selit tau. Tgk, tgk.
Kakak: Kekekekeke, kk..

I dont think my actions were rude, I was just mocking at rude ppl. Baha~ Shortly after, the train came, and my sis alight at Bugis. I was lucky to get a seat at Lavender. Heh. Listened to Mp3 all the way till Bedok. Alighted and made my way to the bus stop. There was a young Malay couple who are parents to 2 small girls. They were happily talking to each other, and their 2 girls were playing behind them. Obviously I wasnt looking at them, but suddenly the older girl dropped a plastic bottle, and made her younger sis cry. I paused my Mp3, I looked as the mother sepak the kakak and scolded her. "Asek nak gaduh je, tak kacau adek tak leh ke!" Ayo, kesian sak aku tgk tu budak tutup telinga and also pegang pipi dia yg da kena sepak. Sialah. Tak suka seyy org ajar anak ni mcm. Violence is nvr acceptable. Then the father just take the adek, let her sit on his lap. The kakak is left crying, leaning against the pole, holding her cramped face with tears wetting her face oredi. Rasa mcm nak bagi je lollipop kat tu budak, tapi aku takda. Ade je kakak tu marah aku nk jaga anak dia pulak kan.. Ape hal pulak nanti..

Soon, 2 222 arrived. Very the jarang u noe my bus come in twos. So, I board the first one la. Damn la! It was not crowded, BUT. There were 5 Ping Yi Sec boys, obviously from lower secondary bcz of the shorts dat they were wearing, sitting all over the back end of the bus. Damn la, bcz my usual seat is conquered by one of the smelly boys. One thing I don like standing near sec. sch. students is bcz of the what I call "after school smell". And imagine. There were 5-6 of them, and OMG la the bauuuu. Pening~ Bau busuk tu tak pasal la, I mean they all smell the same since they came from the same place where evryone pass ard the same odour. Da tu, bebual kuat-kuat. Ini yg aku tak suka. Bebual mcm mana nye cool gitu. Eh kau ni ni tu tu.. Yg satu tu tgh nyanyi, lagu jiwang sak. Of all songs - JIWANG. Abeh dier fikir sedap la. Mak kau. Aku nye Mp3 aku full blast kan. Tak sabar aku nak turun. Lucky I alight soon than have to endure their bad odour and noise. Kids.

And yesterday I went to send in my application at SMU. Irritating gilerrrr punye bcz my printer was giving me problems. It refused to print and kept giving me paperjams. How can the paper jam when it can do a paper feed? Stupid attitude of my printer. So, I called Diyana, no answer. I called Julie, no answer. Then I scratched my head, thinking "Mana sah nak print ni Seal CCA Records.. Nari nak kena hantar.."

So while I buat bodoh wif my troubled mind, I got ready. Then Dee called back. Lucky u call back tau gurl. Gave me so many suggestions and reali helped me. Thank u very much :)) How can I rmbr dat I can try to print at sch? Da lama seyy tak g skola. Lagi2 aku ni da graduate. I had to photocopy many stuffs also. So, wif my mind at ease, I went back to get ready. Julie smses a while later. So I called her back. She didnt pick up loh bcz busy looking for her baju i think haha, wad dey. Then, she called back. Haha. Told her I havent print my seal, and she said she cud help me print. So, now my body and mind was at ease bcz I dont have to print it, just need to photocopy stuffs. As soon as I got ready, left the house and walked to the nearest stationary shop. A few metres away from the shop, Julie smsed. Graduated students cannot access their Seal System. Urgh. So, my seal was still not printed. Da tu, at the shop, one gurl was getting her notes photocopied and mind you, its as thick as my lecture notes back in poly days. After getting all my stuffs photocopied, I rushed off to catch 69.

Reached sch like ard 1450, got into Lab6, printed my seal, left and reached the bus stop at 1500. Waited and waited. Then 15 arrived, I quickly board it la. Dropped off at Tamp Mrt there, topped up my ezlink and board the train. I didnt dare to look at the big clock on the wall, bcz I knew I was prety pretty late! Da dudok diam-diam, trying to relax, skali Julie sms. She da reach seyy!! Mampos. So sorry to keep u waiting hor Julie! Was rushing like a sloppy fat cat.

The lifts of SMU building was a new experience for me bcz I nvr tapped my card to make a lift go up OR down! Ha, we headed to 13th floor to make payment before going down to 3rd level to submit the application package. After all the hustle, we left to eat at LJS. Yums! And it reali has been a longggg while since I sat down and talked with Julie. Hafta admit it felt like the gd old times. Just cant quite recall what happened. xS

Talking abt LJS, aku tgh haus seyy ni. I shud go : ))

`Walk away`

2007-04-03T12:16:00.000+08:00

My patience is tested.

I will walk away,

and you cant stop me.

`Searching`

2007-04-02T15:04:00.000+08:00

At home in front of the comp today, searching for other courses dat i can apply for in case i dont get in SMU. I looked at MDIS, Apmi Kaplan and UniSIM. And and i so the slow. I looked at the application date for UniSIM - it was TWO days ago! Damn la.

Im online too, looking for jobs and such. Was very disappointed wif my fren Nadia who made me miss my job interview on last Thurs. Ton sampai pagi abeh balik terus pengsan ke ptg. Abeh aku ajak kau buat ape kan? Utk aku tunggu2? Kalau da tau nak ton, and confirm org kalau ton sampai ke pagi, tell me la. I don have to wait like an idiot at home, called u and nvr pick up. Ok, whatever.

Tmr going to SMU wif Julie to submit the application. So dat means, Soul! Print the application slip! Dont forget. Kalau tak jadi lagi, haishh. Tink i will tarik someone la to go wif me. I dont like to delay stuffs.

Oh, thank God i don think of Sobrie anymore. Simply bcz he left a lasting impression on me on our date, but not on other days. So thank you very much. You are free to go. Sms him, tak jawab. Ape seyy, tak terang ke org fikir pasal dia.. Not like i don call him or what. Ok da stop it. I don like to think of things dat disappoint me.

Yday teman Huda g beli2 baju. Hurhur. Kesian kau, dari kol 11pagi cari kwn nak keluar? Lain kali try aku dulu, heh. Tu pun I was like clearing my notes from poly days. Then only at 2.30 i checked my phone to see 4 missed calls from Huda and Hafiz. Haha, Hafiz thot i don wanna layan him anymore. Received 2 sms from him and one of them was, "Tk nk layan i ckp je la awak.." Dont try to be funny eh. So i return their calls, and i went out to meet Huda at HarbourFront at 545pm. Jalan2 kat Vivo terjumpa Maya from BIT. Well, not to confuse you wif my other girlfren of the same name! I think she called out to me like 3 times? Pekak sak aku. Sorry Maya. Haha. Then Huda made me go in and out of Topshop twice and almost for the THIRD time. Its not dat i don want. Tapi paiseyy seyy, Wan (cousin Hafiz) kerja kat situ. And he stood at the entrance area. Abeh like so obvious seyy, ade je dia fikir ape budak ni keluar masuk keluar masuk cari ape aje. Huda bought me a lime jersey. So sweet of you. Thank you very much :))

Was typing and typing this entry when Sobrie came online, and asked me asal aku tak layan dia sikit hari kat MSN. I reali don rmbr dan aku sumpah if you talked to me pon i wud at least have said hi. If i dont reply tu means im not at the comp. Sorry. It wasnt deliberate.

Kakak is cooking donno what in the kitchen and its making me sneeze like hell. So irritating! Now let me get back to job-hunting and course-searching and AH-CHOOO! sneezing.

Toodles.

`Get busy`

2007-04-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

Get busy. Yup. Dat is EXACTLY what i shud do. I must and i shall. Aku da tak larat nak layan karenah manusia2 skrg. Semua cakap aje, tapi tak buat. Aku benci org yg mcm gini. "Talk only but no action''. Empty promises/words. All the same. So yes, I shall get busy so dat I dont have to get affected by all these "empty" ppl. Seriously, my level of trust and patience towards other ppl are receding bcz they leave me with the impression dat u can simply give others a kind of hope dat just leaves with an empty feeling bcz it will nvr be done. Thank you very much idiots.

`Promise broken`

2007-03-31T01:49:00.000+08:00

No time and no energy to update. And yup, im lazy to put up the pictures dat i promised to. Byk sgt and i reali not much energy.

It`s Zainul bday today. Happy Birthday.

I cant rmbr what happened, but seems like i don rmbr much hurt from ppl who hurt me in the recent months.

Maybe it means my memories are just blocked but it doesnt mean u can do it to me again.

I decided from yday I think, not to be close to any guys. Just when I begin to care abt them, they hurt me. So reali guys, keep ur distance from me. And i reali mean it. Silap2 nanti aku tendang jugak.

Da la. Bila aku betul2 ada masa dan kuasa, aku update la eh.. Aku geli wif some guys dan aku da malasssss.......

`A short update`

2007-03-24T01:57:00.000+08:00

Been wanting to blog but cant seem to find the time & energy. Im only putting up the daily horoscope for today. Will update pretty soon, promise u wif pics and all =)) Plus, somebody finally sms me! Amin! Im so HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW!

*******************************************************************

Daily horoscope:
Don't worry; a recent upheaval isn't going to cause you to lose someone special.

A recent upheaval has caused a lot of disruption in your life -- you may feel as though you're inside a snow globe that has been given a good shake. Unfortunately, your current situation isn't that pretty. Keep in mind that things will eventually settle down again. Some things may end up in different places, but they will still be there. So don't worry that these changes are going to cause someone special to disappear from your life. That's simply not going to happen.
*******************************************************************

And im so in love wif Tami Chynn`s Over and Over Again.

Ever really thought that I would get to this today,
really didn't know if I should say what I should say.

What bout this feeling that you feeling all the things I wanna show,

I put it in a song to let you know.

I think I like you,

and if you got some time to spare

I was thinking we could fall in love.

I want to let you in,

are you willing to catch my fall

if I happen to just fall for you?

My love for you grows stronger everyday,

so much deeper, so crazy,

in the ways I can't explain.

I've been waiting for the day to call you mine,

I was thinking we could fall in love.

Do what you want as long as you`re with me,

say what you want as long as I hear you calling ma name over and over again.

Ooo take what you want as long as you take me,

love me for real, I promise you'll hear me calling your name over and over again.

I'm just searching, searching for the truth,

all I know is my heart belongs to you.

I'm not in this just for the honeymoon but all the wayyyyyy.

Do what you want as long as you`re with me,

say what you want as long as I hear you calling my name over and over again.

Ooo take what you want as long as you take me,

love me for real, I promise you'll hear me calling your name over and over again.

I know I'm falling, and I just might never get up

so I guess I will be here to stay

You`re breaking my walls and you`re taking my heart

there is nothin that I can do but fall apart for u

and baby thats cool.

Do what you want as long as you`re with me,
say what you want as long as I hear you calling my name over and over again.
Ooo take what you want as long as you take me,
love me for real, I promise you'll hear me calling your name over and over again.

`Maya Darling~`

2007-03-21T23:02:00.000+08:00

Im definitely sad dat he nvr return any of my smses since last night. Donno if he is just plain busy, or somethn's up wif his phone again. Shud I stop? Maybe I shall. Orite, I will.

I finally met up wif Maya hun today! : )) Happy sak jumpa kau. Nasib baik kau leh tolerate jugak my crap. Hurhur~ I just noe dat if I choose to be goody-goody and too nice all the time, it will get boring so. I dont mind making a fool of myself at all. Just to wind down : ))

So ya, Maya and me went to Sentosa. I know, u ppl must be thinking, Soul ni asek Sentosa, Sentosa, Sentosa. Well, it`s one of my fav chilling out places. Chill ke tan ke, it is reali a place dat I love to relax at. So let me be k. Anw, I met Maya at Bedok Int, den we walked ard to get some stuffs done first, like top up my prepaid, buy snax etc. When we were walking towards POSBank, passing by NTUC, I bumped into one of my gd pri sch gurlfrenz, Nadia! Actuali at first, aku adalah takut salah org kalau aku tegur, but I tegur jugak : )) She was just bringing her aunt ard for some simple shopping of stuffs. So gd to see u again gurl. We will meet again in mid Apr okay!

After getting whatever, me n Maya headed to the MRT and off we went to HarbourFront. Talked & talked &amp; talked la. Laughed & laughed & laughed. Skali sampai HarbourFront, the rain was just beginning to pour. However, it didnt pour like cats & dogs. Only when we get to Siloso Beach, was when I thot my day ended there. Me n Maya ate our finger foods, looking at the rain. Maya wasn`t pessimistic at all. In fact, she was enjoying, feasting her eyes on the hot bods of hot guys walking pass. Hurhur~ Kan Maya kan.. Kau pon. Den, we reali didnt feel like waiting FOREVER for the heavy rain to stop. And Maya hadn`t changed into her swimsuit. There was a beachwear shop beside us, so Maya went to check n ask if there was a fitting room for us to change since we wud need to get drenched first if we made our way to the toilets. So, changed all, we walked out, into the rain and to the nearest pavillion. And truthfully, as we walked in the rain, it was getting lighter.

We settled down for awhile in the pavillion next to Cafe del Mar, and snapped away with her FAB cam. Heh. And reali, it wasnt long before the rain reali stopped, and clear skies began to show, slowly. We were so happy dat we got our things up and made our way to one of the pondoks along Siloso beach. Laid down our stuffs and whatever before we trudged down to the chilly water. Maya reali cudnt stand the cold water, but slowly she finally submerge herself in the water just up to her neck dats all. Haha. And not long after dat, the sun crept out and shine : ))

There were many funny moments when we were in the water. Mat Sallehs byk lalu la. Si Maya ape lagi.. Haha. Cuci mata. Then skali, we noticed an African guy walking past by to the other side. I jokingly said la, "Eh tu kau nye colleague kan? Hehehe!" And Maya was like, "Pfft. No la. My colleague is FAT!" Ha, ok. So we pay no mind and layan diri sendiri, bebual mepek kat situ. Then u know what? I saw the African guy making his way back, putting on his white sleeveless shirt back. Apparently, i donno where he was looking at. Seriously. And apparently too, he donno how to wear baju. Pakailah tol2 ya Allah. Da la baju ketiak. Den, nvr pull the shirt down, terselit one side in his right armpit. Aku dgn Maya da kekek seyy. Kita kutuk rabak2 seyy pasal perut boncet dia. Boncet nye pasal susah nk pakai baju dia. We were saying his perut looks like a barrel and stuffs. I know, we were mean. But c'mon, we were just having fun. Tak tersangka sah, Pak Itam ni masuk air, somewhere near us, made himself comfy before looking at us and said,"Hi, how are u?" Abeh, aku dgn Maya tgk kat each other, bebual Melayu aje ah, pasal kalau tak nanti Pak Itam tu fikir kita ni friendly nk buat kwn skali. Geli sak. So we slowly wade away from him, bebual mcm biasa la. Ketawa2.. Tak nk toleh pon kat dia. Sampai, he went out of the water and took his bag before leaving. Geli seyy. Seriously.

After mandi, kita amek2 gmbr. Tak kesah lah, mepek mepek ke, lawa lawa ke.. So fun. Maya was getting reali itchy and so, we got up and went to wash up and change. Since I wanna go home just in time for The Dance Floor, and Maya shudnt stay out too late wif her Christian fren named Soul, we just slowly walked back to the beach carpark, took the bus back to HarbourFront and onto the train. Got down at Bedok, as Maya nak beli foods to munch on. She got McSpicy and Apple Pie from Mac, and we both got ourselves Taros from BK! Yummsy! Fast forward, we both got home safe. Heheh.

I nvr reali rmbr whether I ever had a fren who is as optimistic as Maya, but after going out and spending time wif her today, dats what I discovered abt her. Nvr for one second was there a time when she pulled down my hopes or whatever during the whole outing. Despite the heavy rain, she didnt complain and stuff. Seriously, it was great. I appreciate all dat Maya : )) ♥♥

`Miss`

2007-03-21T00:04:00.000+08:00

Okay. I think I miss someone. Bcz i keep thinking of the person. But then, aku tak nak mcm syok sendiri kan.. I don even know what the other person feels. Fikiran pasal dia sampai terlelap seyy tadi. Damn. I better not find trouble for myself..

Can u come online, so I can finally talk to u?

`Happy Bday`

2007-03-20T16:44:00.000+08:00

Happy Bday to my dear BFF Guek! =))

Yday was a nice day. A feel-good day. Sobrie picked me up like 10 mins behind planned time. Haha. Then, off we went to catch Stomp The Yard. No regrets watching this dance flick. Dance was awesome. Story is very cekik darah, but okay la. Haha. Damn the faces of the dancers. Tak tau nk maintain, penuh emosi. Cant help laughing at it.

After movie, Sobrie nk mkn. So teman dia g mkn. I didnt eat bcz I noe i wont eat much, n i reali don wanna bazir. Den skali, org tu kata dia sakit. :( Haishh. Even if u told me ur sick, i wudnt stop u from meeting me what. Hah. Now, u left me wif a bad feeling.

Okay so, like ard 1930 gitu, we made our way to Pasir Ris, Guek's chalet. CTE/PIE was jammed. And guess what? When we were selit-ing at Kallang Basin area, my dad's car was in the most-right lane. Punyerr la tak sedap hati rasanyerr. Kalau my dad saw me on a bike for the 2nd time, MAMPOS!

Okay, forget abt dat. We reached the chalet, and when we reached Block F, he went to smoke. Wow. Sobrie is very thotful. Im like impressed bcz he reali consider my feelings. Thanks for caring. =) Hah. And Guek commented dat somebody looks young.. Hurhur~ Not bad for someone 2yrs my senior, teehee~

Riding with Sobrie was fun. I donno if he does it all the time, even if he rides alone, but he kecoh seyy. He talks out loud when a car cuts into the lane, complains out loud when the lorry in front is slow. Hah. Okay im bad at giving u an idea how it was. Sebelum keluar Bedok aje da buat kelakar.

I had a fun time, but im not sure abt you. : (

`Let me be a real bitch now`

2007-03-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

Im pissed today. And let me tell u why.

My life is still controlled by Hafiz. Tho he let me go, yet till now tells me what to do. Even if i get myself in trouble or danger, izit my fault i cant take care of myself? Izit my fault to find trouble? I have been patient and been trying my best to stay strong just to stay alive. But reali inside of me, i noe my life is gone. Bcz reali. Where is my life? I don have a fucking life. Bcz someone destroyed my hopes and dreams. Not only dat, he is still in charge of it. Telling me what to. I said, let me get wasted since i wasted my love on somethn i thot felt the same way abt me. Anytime ppl. Frenz. Family. AT ANY POINT OF TIME, i can lose my strength. With evry last piece and bit of my strength being taken away by hurt thrown at me, i am dat close to going into the wrong path. Allah saje yg tau ape yg aku rasa. Sebyk brp aku sengsara. As much as im against drinking, i can turn into an alcohol addict overnight. As much as im against clubbing, i can turn into a clubbing bitch, grinding all over the dancefloor, getting all loose. As much as I hate smoking, i can go to any shop and get myself a pack of ciggs, and start puffing my life away. If it takes my asthma to kill me, so be it. As much as i noe im capable of a bright future, i can choose to be stupid and lazy, and go stealing and getting in all sorts of crime. Then i'll stay in prison. I dont have to see anybody who remind me of my horrible past.

U noe my only pillar of strength is coming from me, only? Not my family, not even frenz. Dont even mention best friends. Let me be a bitch abt this okay. When im a bitch, dats when i get all straightforward and honest abt things i have been patiently been keeping quiet and lenient enuff.

Let me be a real BITCH now.

I donno what friends are. Maybe i do. But most of them are phoney. Bcz u noe, they just go ard carrying the title of somebody's bestfriends, but not quite living up to the meaning of it. My bestfriends? Where are u gurls? Do u contact me more than i contact u? Do u noe how patient ive been to let u be with ur significant other and let me be alone just so u can have what u want? How many times have u ask me out to catch up with each other? How many times per mth do u sms me? Okay lets be nicer. I shud care more abt quality than quantity right?

Orite, forget abt how many times u sms or call me just to know how im doing. Were u there when i was down? Wait tell me first how wud u noe dat im down if u nvr call and asked? Ok whatever. Im tired of waiting for u to be free just to be there for me.

Dats y. My life does not exist. Its in Hafiz hands, and reali. No frenz exist in it trying to cheer my day or whatever. I only got myself to cheer myself up.

Kat rumah pon jgn harap. My adek is so selfish sumtimes. Seriously, call me a bitch. But its true. Mintak tolong seriously tak leh harap. Part dia mak kau! Aku tolong dgn ikhlas hati. Tak pernah aku nk tolak.

Maybe i shud forget abt sch. Get a job straight away. Get busy. Don get involved wif family, frenz or love. Its stupid. Stupid shit. I wont bother when nobody bothers. STUPID SHIT.

`Pictures as promised`

2007-03-15T21:53:00.000+08:00

`Birthday`

2007-03-15T00:26:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Mak!

I know u love the pink shawl i bought for u. Pictures will be in the next entry k.. Penat ah. Nyte!

`BIT Graduation Nyte~`

2007-03-12T23:37:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh!!! And one morrree thinngg. Here are some pics taken on my BIT Graduation Nyte. Its not much bcz, hey as i said, i was hating sch. Nevertheless, enjoy =))

I like this picture. =))My hair looks messy here. No comments. Why i not smiling? Hmm, no surprise...Idayu; Fasha; me; Siti; Geetha; Aida.My class. Not the whole, tho.Err. Okay. I donno what they were doing, but i was doing it anyways. Haha~ Spot me!Wif Wan Ying.I don think Eric spoilt the picture, the joker always make the day interesting =))Fasha & me wif our Care Person, Ms Lim Pek Seah.

`Gathering!`

2007-03-12T23:29:00.000+08:00

Oh yaaa! One more thing, with the help of Dee (Diyana Harun if u guys are wondering who), Im planning a gathering for my primary sch peeps! =))

I want it more of hanging out so that we can catch up. Im informing a lot of ppl, but donno if many of you will make it. Most prob it will be at the end of this mth or early Apr. Okay? Stay tuned. Im informing thru Friendster. K, byeee.

`SMU!!`

2007-03-12T22:48:00.000+08:00

I want to get in SMU. Im only interested in it. The other Us yg start wif an `N`, aku tk pandang. Haha. Wah sombong pulak. Jauh seyy, tak sanggup aku nk skola jauh2. SMU SMU SMU!!

And tho I noe there is a school in SMU fit for a Business InfoTech Poly Graduate like me, which is School of Information Systems, no freaking way Im getting involved with it again! Im okay wif Business, but i suck wif my IT skills! SERIOUS. Dealing with systems and thinking of decisions and ideas to come up with solutions, is just crayyzeee. So what am i interested in then?

SOCIOLOGY! =))

Please let me in to School of Economics & Social Sciences! I wanna major in Sociology; Bachelor of Social Science (BSocSc).

I might put Psychology as one of my other options and maybe anythn from School of Information Systems & Lee Kong Chian School of Business. Business wud still be fine by me, but not so much of acctg, pls.

I havent view other options from SIM and other institutions, excluding the `N` Us.

So, Insya-Allah Eah leh masuk =)) Thot i was sick of school. Maybe i was sick of BusinessIT subjs.. and certain ppl.. But sociology still interests me.

`Disturbed sleep`

2007-03-12T16:49:00.000+08:00

I dont get why I have trouble sleeping now. I try to sleep early, say either 12 or 1am. But after i get to finally doze off, i wake up in an hour. And then i just stare at my ceiling, cover my eyes wif my pillow, toss to my right, think of wonderful things. I can finally doze off in like 30 mins. Then always at 3plus, i`ll wake up, at 4plus... And then, 6 plus.. At the worst, Im fully awake at 7am. I know i have like the slightest peaceful nyte sleep, but i just couldnt doze off. Maybe ard 8.30am den i can sleeeep... all the way till 11.30am.

This is my daily routine now. Ugh.

And this morning, i reali realiiiii couldnt sleep. 5am, i got up. Thot maybe i`d drink myself to sleep. Opened my fridge, poured the cold Pokka Peach Tea and drank it up. Yumms. Went back to bed. Still UP&AWAKE. How do i overcome this?

Maybe i reali need a job, like NOW. Tire myself out.

`Somethn nice`

2007-03-09T13:41:00.000+08:00

Okay, since my dear fren wud like to see some nice entries.. Lemme think.. ada pape nice tak..

*thinking*

*pondering*

*scratching my head*

Takda la seyy, Liyana! My life not nice now :^(

`3kilos heavier`

2007-03-08T12:36:00.000+08:00

Ha. I was damn glad dat my weight naik balik =))

Rmbr the time I weighed 39kg?!

Slowly seyy go up back. 41kg-42.5kg-44.5kg-45.8kg-46kg. Over the period of ermm.. From last June, i began to stop eating. Great loss of appetite maybe due to depression or work. Till now March, 9 freaking mths for me to work on my weight back to its normal measurement.

I checked my weight at the hosp when i sent my maktok (grdma) to see a dialysis consultant. While waiting to be called, i saw the weighing machine at the corner, and measured my weight. *grins*

Ibu, Kakak, Ana, Siti and the other relatives, u cant call me ~~kudut~~ anymore =)))

`What happened to her?`

2007-03-07T12:02:00.000+08:00

Open la ur eyes big big. Whatever. Your true colours are what matters now. Ur the one who've changed.

HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE. HYPOCRITE.

Yup. U damn right are. Yes. Ur right abt ppl change. Gd example: YOU. Dont be sorry dat i think this of u. Bcz u caused this. U did all these shit. Cant believe i stood up for u all the time. BULLSHIT. Definitely this frenship is failed bcz YOU didnt do anythn abt it. bullshit. Break of promise to mend this. DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO to make things better when u made evrythn shitty. Ive let this thing go sooooo long ago. Whatever i post here is just a reflection of evryday life. If i were to reminisce abt useless things, i will write there big big "REMINISCING", ok?

Im not gonna wish u well for turning ur back against me. Ur already happy mah. For what. Dramatic ppl. Exaggerating. Show-offs. Stand-offish. Arrogance. Just hold on to these values that u ppl possess and yup, forget me. HA-HA. The world is such a better place now. Boo-hoo.

`How i was fooled`

2007-03-03T17:16:00.000+08:00

This is how i was fooled by you.

Current situation: You are hanging with ppl whom u used to talk abt behind their back. You used to detest them. And whatever we do, you told me not to include them, and also told me to stick nearby bcz you cudnt stand them. So i guess, im not wrong to say ur the two-faced person here. Actuali, i dont rmbr doing anythn wrong to u. Except being a fren and there each time u need me. You just went off, stay distant from me like ive committed some mistake, and mix wif the ppl whom u used to dislike. I know i have nvr changed in character/attitude. I only happen to witness a gd fren changed from a sincere and honest human being to someone i didnt know anymore. Maybe u did this to me bcz of other matters dat are not directly linked to me. But did u ever think if i deserve this from u? If this is ur true colours that u are finally showing, den maybe i deserve this treatment from u. To tell myself, how much ive been deceived by ur frenship dat u used to "TREASURE". Well, sure. Its BULLSHIT now. U must be thinking, why am i here whining abt ur happiness over the true frenship uve found? Well, whining is not the word. Im merely stating my reflection on a two-faced fren.

So as i know that ur are indeed a two-faced person, all the more i shud tell myself, no point trusting in you anymore. Good thing ur not close to me. Saves me from the hurt.

`A new month`

2007-03-03T13:45:00.000+08:00

It`s March already! so fast!

Anw, sorry frenz i closed my blog for awhile. Actuali i didnt close la, just change the pword so noone can enter. I didnt blog much either. I hate February. So many awful things happen to me. But its okay, i`ll try to take it from here. Get evrythn okay again. March. Lets hope its a better month.

What`s up wif my life now? Ok. Update:
I dont have anymore close frenz. Well, can i say i choose to? Bcz so far, they were all kinda phony. Hurt me with empty words thay gave to me. So, now. NO MORE CLOSE FRENZ.

Erm, i still havent think of work and further studies yet. Shieeett! Lucky kynn talk to me abt it.

My dad is back home a few days back, and today my grddad pon da back. haha.

And im eating a whole lot nowadays. Damn. Tell me if ive grown chubby, ok? haha.

K, dats all la. Malas la nk update2 ni semua. Takda org pon nak amek tau buat ape. Errrr. And ppl, my line is still suspended ok? Pls, stick to my prepaid no. for now.

Byeeeee.

`Over in a month`

2007-02-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

Hmm, i donno what made me decide to blog today. Been more than a wk actuali, but i did write my journals.. I just didnt do it here. It`s written on some papers lying on my bedroom floor. I cant rmbr when but i told myself, list down and eliminate the things that i keep thinking abt, whatever problems that has been bugging me. There are some things that i cant eliminate.

~~apiz~~ eliminated
~~zoal~~ eliminated
~~julie~~ eliminated
datuk still in hosp and op is still pending. i wish i cud take his place.
what im gonna do after graduation still thinking abt it. so many other things to take into consideration
work still working on it, haha.

Well, i havent reali eliminate apiz outta my life la. just dat i reali stop thinking abt him. and i feel so much better. i just keep brainwashing myself, dat i hate liars. i hate liars, i hate liars.

Julie? Well, i guess she found her true frenz. so ive packed up and left the frenship dat she promised to mend.

Zoal? I think he is happier off in his own island. All dat he used to tell me dont matter bcz he chose to leave too. If u ask me to share wif u stuffs now dear zoal, do u think i want to? Ur better off on ur island wif ur camera right.. I dont have to be around to complete ur days anymore. It`s all gone in a month. One of the reasons why i keep this blog private is bcz i don think its fair for u to be updated abt me, when u don talk to me anymore abt how ur day was etc. U just had to do this right. Just like the others.

Okay, so today my dad is admitted to hosp, for another op. Im hoping it wud be the last. My datuk is still weak in the hosp bed. And i have no more close frenz to talk to! :) Whats the smile for? Bcz its stupid. Stupid to confide in ppl whom u care abt, and thot wud be there for u. They just gave u hope. FALSE HOPE. I hate hope now. Its stupid too. So im smiling bcz now i know who can reali be there for me when i need them the most, and who just give me false hopes.

`When enough is enough`

2007-02-19T23:01:00.000+08:00

As i sat on the cold hard floor in my bathroom, crying, thinking of how i cud get my life back on track, maybe i know the reason after all.

I`ve neglected the 3 most important things in my life; my family, my religion, and myself.

I do care abt my family. I always feel bad when i snap at them and all, but it nvr make me feel gd either. Im always looking out for my younger sis, in her studies and her welfare. I wanna see her do better than me for her O levels. She`s capable, and i know it. Sometimes, she neglects me and only care abt her grades, but i guess at least she knows how to love herself, unlike me. Right? Haha. Tho i don always look up to my elder sis, i try to be there for her each time she needs a favour or help, bcz i know i have her back most of the time. I love my mum & dad. The sacrifices they made for us, they give more than they take. Sometimes, i feel like I`m a burden to them. To have to spend so much on a daughter, tho she seldom asks for anythn, hardly ever. I wished my dad has chosen to bring us travel along wif him yeeaaaarss ago, rather than him leaving his beloved career to stay with us in this island.

Allah knows how much I`ve neglected His existence, and only He knows how bad I feel. Only He knows how lazy I`ve been, how ignorant I`ve been and how selfish of me to think of others and not for myself or Him. Only He understands how sorry I am. And through prayers & thoughts, I seek His forgiveness,

Myself? Well bcz, I`ve been putting others before me. I donno why. Im happier making somebody's day than making myself contented. I take the initiative to bring up a conversation, an issue if ever there is a misunderstanding or to just drop by and say hi, to let let them know im thinking of `em. I don have the money to spend on them and buy them somethn to cheer them up. Even if i have the money, dats not how i value frenship/companionship. I guess being there for them, keeping them company and cheering them up was not their thing.

I`m beginning to wonder whether i shud even value or cherish these ppl. Bcz they mean so much to me, but it doesnt work the other way for me. I`m beginning to wonder too, if i shud put my trust in them, bcz i donno why i trust ppl so easily. Why do i even give ppl my trust when i cant even have theirs? There are so much to wonder. And being me, I`m always looking for answers to whys. Dad always told me that I was observant and a curious/suspicious/cautious creature when i was young.

There`s nothing much I want out of life. Happiness is just one thing; who doesnt want it right? I want what`s best for my family. I dont need a fancy career. A decent one is enough. Material things don matter to me. Whats enough to get by, dats what I thankful for.

Now i know what I neglect, what i put before me will neglect me too. Damn, I`m so hooked to Lady Sovereign's Love me or hate me. if you love me then, thank you. if you hate me then, fuck you.

****************************************************

Daily horoscope:
Take the recent advice of friends and family members, even if it's intimidating.

Your life is definitely yours to control, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to the suggestions of others from time to time. Take the recent advice of friends and family members, even if what they are telling you to do feels a bit frightening. Sometimes people need to be pushed to make a leap of faith, and who better to give it than someone you love and trust? You are entering a phase of possibilities -- grab on to a few and see where they take you.

`Low point`

2007-02-17T00:34:00.000+08:00

Daily horoscope:
Take a break from people who rub you the wrong way. Check back with them later.

There have been too many misunderstandings going on in your social circle lately, and this could be holding you back from relaxation. You have two choices today: you can either get face-to-face with the person who's confusing you and finally get to the bottom of things, or move on to a different set of social partners for a while. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from people who are rubbing you the wrong way. You can always come back to them later if you want to.

****************************************************

I`m sorry for all the direct words that come out too strong from me. I`m sorry for being impatient. I`m sorry for hoping too much. I`m sorry for caring abt u too much. I`m sorry for being so trusting of u. I`m sorry I`m so sensitive. I`m sorry for being sarcastic when I`m pissed. I`m sorry for being sorry for things I nvr wanted. Stooooooooooopiddddddd life. I`m so ruthless.

ruthless; Ruthless; RUTHLESS.

`Surprise?`

2007-02-14T17:51:00.000+08:00

Hafiz sms me and asked where was I. I said I was home. I asked why? I get suspicious when he asks like that. He replied, "Eah turun bwh skrg". I called him on the spot and asked why. U noe u get that sick feeling in ur tummy? He's supposed to be in sch but wth is he doing under my block?

I changed into somethn proper and went down. He was dere waiting. I came and asked, "Asal..? Ada ape seyy?" He took a bag from beside him and gave me. "Happy Valentine's Day", he wished. I looked in the bag, a red rose & chocolate ice cream. I looked at him and asked, "Why...??" He asked,"Suka tak?" I smelled the rose. Noone ever bought me one, and it smelled so harums. I love roses. How did he know? I just donno what to feel. Shud i be thankful, suspicious of him being so nice (any ulterior motive), sad or whaaat?? He walked me to my lift, gave me a hug and kiss before i went up. He didnt let me share that ice cream pon! Haha, its such a sweet gesture, but i cant help but feel suspicious of a liar. Thx Hafiz. Im still shocked.

Still trying to recover, I have to think of what I can do to show him dat I appreciate his gesture. Tomorrow. He said yday we'll go catch a movie tmr (thurs). So, umm. Im so clueless wif this kinda things. What can i do? Think, think THINK!

`Even`

2007-02-14T15:59:00.000+08:00

justice
noun
1. the quality of being just or fair.

I like being fair. When I feel like things are not, i get even. Ppl will take it as Im someone who bears grudges. Well, up to u to think dat. But always think again, have u been fair to anyone besides urself today?

If u lie to someone just so u wont hurt his/her feelings, do u think dat someone wud have appreciated if u cud have just told the truth? How wud u feel if someone lied to u, to 'jaga ur hati', only for u to know the truth shud have been told and its too much for someone to lie abt? Do u think it's fair? Do u think it's fair for u to lie and not for someone to lie to u? Im not even talking abt a white lie here.

Another thing. Treatment. Be nice. Dats enough to make someone smile. If someone makes an effort in caring abt u, appreciate it. Anyone wud feel angry or upset if their effort is not recognized, don't u agree? So wud u appreciate it? I know of a person, who gets upset dat he now gets a different treatment from someone he loves. Why? Bcz when she was always there for him, showering him attention, he couldn't care less. Now when she is all flat out and tired of it, decides to stop doing it, he gets upset abt it. Do u think it's fair? It's a bit too late right when somethn gd in ur life is no longer there?

I dont understand why it is soo wrong for me to get even. After all that was thrown at me, i still have to be nice? Have i not been nice enough? Do u think it's fair to me?

What goes around, will come around. U may have treated someone unfairly today, but dont get upset when things get unfair to u tmr.

You donno what u got till it's gone. If u noe how to appreciate the value of a person or things dat matter in ur life, it is urs to keep. Forever? Maybe. Gd things in life are hard to find and hard to come by. Why do u let go when it has appeared in ur life?

Just. Be fair to urself, and dont forget abt others. Appreciate while u can.

`Neglected`

2007-02-10T21:08:00.000+08:00

Ya. I don wanna waste my efforts in trying to save somethn that i treasure so much but it doesnt appreciate or realize my effort. So. Have fun without me. Im no fun anw.

And im thinkin of studying overseas. If my parents could afford, and if im brave enough, I wud want to. Cant stand living in a place where evrythn is limited and hurtful.

I HATE EVRYTHN HERE.

`Drive&Fight`

2007-02-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

While i`m struggling with articles for POT & the reflection, i most prob wont be sleeping at all tonight, there are so many different things taking place at the moment. I'll just say it all in no sequence at the time it took place.

Ahmad became an uncle a few hours ago! Haha. Congrats! Tho i know u want so much for ur bestie to be there, and tho i badly want to go see the baby boy with her, it just cant happen. Sorry, i cudnt do anythn. InsyaAllah aku dtg besok ye, hotfren.

Late for ERM lab again as usual, in the morning. After lab, stayed back to do POT and planned to finish up and submit at one shot. But i was hungry, i got Bhavani to go lunch with me. Pity her seyy, on how much she had to go thru for her MP. Haha. Forgot how funny she cud be at times. So unpredictable. She asked me, "Solehah, can u tell me some tips, on how to stay slim? I see u all so slim.. But its so hard for me to do so..". I was like, haha!~ okay. How do i say this? Bcz i donno how i do it, myself! Im even gaining weight at the moment. No la. Actuali, gained weight, and now stable at this current one. She told me she did realised i was skinny when i came back from SIP. Den she went on asking,"So do u always follow ur meals, or what izit dat u eat and dont eat?". Den i was like, I donno!~ haha. I even eat late at night. All at the wrong timings!~ but i don skip meals. I just hate doing dat. I also hate to snack. Believe me, im no junkie. I only junk like once evry 2 or 3 mths? Eh wait, but eating pau like 3 times a week is dat considered junk or snack? Haishh. So umm, Bhavani, tho i didnt reali answer u, thx for lunching wif me & POT-ing wif me, haha!

I donno if u noticed dear b; but we are like losing touch of each other. I mean, i noe its so hard to contact now dat we both have the same prob! but im sure there are ways to overcome this.. Im still contactable thru the prepaid no. Maybe i went overboard abt the whole waiting thing, but its just how i feel. Ur always updated abt me, thru my blog.. But i noe nuts abt ur daily news. Da laa susah nk cari dia.. Lagi2 bila dia offline.. Hmm.. I shud stop, huh? Ok. Shall stop thinking and resist the urge to talk to u. Or miss u.

My dad just left the house, ard 2220, to go visit my sedara in Marine Parade. His uncle, i believe? Or maybe im not right abt this, but my dad calls him Yayi/Wak Long; i cant rmbr which. He just passed away. And i feel soooo bad. Bcz the last raya, we didnt go their house. He only lived with his wife there. I just knew this wud happen. Bcz when i knew that last yr raya, my whole family didnt reali celebrate bcz my dad keluar masuk hosp, and also maktok.. With no driver, its kinda hard for my family to get ard.. And i did thot a bit abt Yayi. I was thinking of all the relatives dat we didnt visit.. And i feel bad bcz dorang tua.. and only live 2 ppl dere.. Den now his wife is gonna be alone.. Sedih seyy.. The wife, i usuali call Wak.. works as a cleaner in my own sch, TP. but i jarang dpt cari dia.. Maybe once or twice salam her in my 3 yrs in campus. She's Chinese.. and diabetic.. Like my late Nyayi.. Kesian tgk my dad too, he tak sedap badan, and he just left the house. Yayi, ur always in our thoughts and prayers. Sorry we didnt see u last yr. :'(

And i sent Mohamed Hafiz bin Abdol Hamid a goodbye sms. I dont see the point of doing it face to face when he keeps avoiding reality n evrythn.. He replied, saying don worry we will have a long talk. but im so reluctant. I just want it all to go away. No more pls. No more. Im so foolish to have loved u all these years. It just shows i thot i knew what love is. But i CLEARLY DONT. I wont be picking up ur calls nor reply ur sms anymore. Select DELETE ALREADY!

As I continue wif my articles, I ease my emotional & mental turmoil. {Incubus`s Drive & West Grand Boulevard`s Fight.} I shud start controlling my life properly now, and keep on fighting for what I believe is right for me.

And also; Happy Birthday Zulaiha. We were close once before, how can i forget? All the best.

`Calling for help`

2007-02-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

b; if u ever read this when its time for ur daily dosage of news, sms me. bcz mm, u kinda have a habit of going MIA without a warning and. i just. i donno how many hours i have to wait to hear from u. and umm. im reali not okay right now. and if there is one person i could ask for just to get that smile back up on my face, is u. but if ur not willing, then.. maybe i'll just be alone for now. i donno for sure what i'll do. i just hope my optimism doesnt run out.. till i take my life or anythn.. donno how things got so complicated now.. dat i just cant take it anymore.. called ur house.. left msgs at ur msn.. but still i cant get to u.. i think i wanna look for someone who specialise in hypnotizing. i wanna block my memories forever. so. mm. not sure how unstable i am now.. just see if i'll hear from u.. or not i'll just be by myself for now.. all in my own cramped space. miss u, too many times till i cant catch u. xoxo; b.

`End of MP?`

2007-02-07T17:44:00.000+08:00

Daily dosage of news; destinesia times. {Jan07`07}

Woke up early at 0645; fell right back to sleep when Siti juz came in the room after shower. Instead of getting up; my brain instructed myself to doze off. Snaaapped back to reality; woke up with a shock shouted to myself, "Ah..! Eah g tido balik, shiiiit!". Grabbed the phone, time check: 0731. Actual time? 0715. Haha. Totali forgot my time was sped up. Raced thru my own bath, came out at 0730, only to realize im not so late. By my dear Dad sent me to sch la anw. So. Wow. I just suddenly feel so empty i cant describe anythn else. Except dat the presentation went well. Very well. Marks the end of MP. Thank you. Nah; gambars!

If u look at pic no. 2, u can see Botak aka Bola coming out of the lift, to join us for the photo. SEBOK AJE. da la marah2 aku dat time mkn kat lab. heiissh. okay bye.

`Line is not working!`

2007-02-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

b; i dinno my blog could be your daily dosage of news. meheh. u want news? okay. here goes. haha.

actuali, this piece of news is not new to u, but i`ll just announce it la! b; cant use his phone for awhile bcz his bill shoot up. same case for me. but, not entirely the same bcz my line is totally non-accessible. it has been so since this aftnn. it was okay in the morning when b; called & smsed. but became sortz like ard 1140-1200. im not using my number for now, using my younger sis's, Siti, prepaid no. which i shall not make public thru msn, unless u approach me for it la.. meheh. for b; erm. tonight's ur last night with it until u can finally use it back so.. i guess we called each other up a lottt. as well as sms. maybe its all my bad idea/liking for late nyte phone calls? sorry dear, im partly why ur bill shot up.

taking a break from doing POT write-ups just now, (wow! i don usuali mention sch subjects here & now i am?), i was watching the first round of The Dance Floor, the one in the studio with the judges (2nd episode). And Im supporting SFB all the way! Styles From Beyond!! Woohoo!~ Well, tho i only kenal Zaihar, haha, SFB has my support =) here are the videos of the 1st & 2nd episode featuring SFB.

The audition round at Youth Park:
Featured at the 1:16 minuteth mark. Zaihar is the one who was interviewed by Glenn Ong.

The judges round at Mediacorp:
Featured at the 1:54 minuteth mark. Zaihar yg mana? Yg mana dpt pegang mike, dia la tu. meheh.

So. There u have it. A bit lambat la the news today bcz I missed the 2nd episode of The Dance Floor, dats y Im putting it here, only now. meheh. Have to get some stuffs ready, tmr MP presentation. Hope it will go well =))

`Fight`

2007-02-05T22:05:00.000+08:00

Bad day.

Bad BAD day.

`Pessimism kicking in`

2007-02-05T19:19:00.000+08:00

Wah. Im changing so much. To know dat I used to be someone who is not easily influenced by others to being one who is. To know that I used to be so positive in the past, but all my optimism is gone. I cant believe how much depressed and miserable i sound. Im changing at such an alarming rate. Even as Im typing now, Im indulging myself in Cookies'N'Cream ice cream. Im acting so much like a depressed & disheartened sad person. It must be no fun huh, reading such a stupid blog full of misery?

Part of me wants to pick up from where I left off, mend evrythn dat was broken in my life. And the other part just wants to start anew with no bit of the past.

Realize dat I dont talk much abt school? Bcz im not enjoying it. Its so boring. I rmbr dat my semesters used to be filled with time spent with friends, taking part in activities with them, even having fun with projects, lots of picture-takings, lots of bonding sessions. Now? Its all dead. I dinno politics could play such a big role in how my daily life in sch could end up to be. So much for me wanting the last semester to be enjoyable and memorable. Its been so empty. Ya, i noe i cud do somethn abt if i want it to be fun & memorable. But, things don always go ur way, right? And u get disheartened with evry attempt dat u made but to no avail. So now, im just looking forward to the day I graduate from sch days filled with so much politics & animosity.

`I shouldn't, should I?`

2007-02-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

I donno why it just came. Held my breath for a long moment before tears streamed down. Memories unblocking. Pls stop. It hurts. I shouldn't be doing what I shouldn't be doing at all. How do I make myself stop..

I just.. Can you call me? It's just.. I'm not feeling okay suddenly.. I just wanna say smthg.. It's crazy & I noe I shouldn't.. This time I donno why I cant help myself..

.
.
.

I miss you.

Happy Birthday Dzaf!
Smile & be merry. = )

`Why did you?

2007-02-03T13:48:00.000+08:00

Apiz fetched me from Bedok Central yday, after registering for Class 2A license. From Yio Chu Kang to Bedok and back to Jalan Kayu. He reali2 wanted to eat there with me badly, donno why. Dulu masa aku tunggu dia berbulan2 just to go and eat there together, tak jadi2.. I rmbr i wanted to go there on our 3rd yr anniversary, 2005 mind you!, but he totali forgot abt it.. Now, when he asks and i reali cant make it, mengamok.. Ape nak jadi..

Lepas makan kat Jln Kayu, he took me to Lower Peirce Revervoir. When i got down from the bike and wanted to walk to the reservior, he offered to carry my bag. I cant rmbr the last time he did dat. At all. Donno why he did dat. But i said no need la, tak berat & i can carry it. Then walking to the reservoir, it was cold bcz the angin so the kencang. He hugged my left arm. Then slowly slowly went down to my hand. Macam takut2 nak pimpin, held only my last 2 fingers. Funny how we did dat since 2002 and it can feel so weird now. Same thing when we left the place. This time he reali held my hand and carried my bag. And after dat put his arm around me as we walked back to the bike.

We went to Lower Peirce abt 1 yr ago; 30.01.2006. Dat time we were still together; happy and laughing. Its just sad to let go after all these years.

People change; people drift apart. Yes. But only if you allow or want them to. Im a keeper; I definitely wudnt wanna lose anyone. But in this situation, I cant do anythn anymore. : (

Thx Yani for talking to me =) & b; PLEASE GET WELL SOON! been 3 days..

`Reminisce`

2007-02-03T12:38:00.000+08:00

Reminisce. Reminisce. Reminisce. Reminisce. Reminisce.

Let the pictures tell the past.

`See you at the bitter end.`

2007-02-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

Haiish. Flu made my nose dry. The skin is peeling bits & pieces. But okay la, da kurang sikit. I rmbred i wanted to talk to someone so badly last nyte. But I guess he needed to layan his fren since he was staying over. Hope he's not so stress now? Hehh. Fikir dia maseh online, masih awake.. Msn dia, sms dia pon takda reply. :-[ Im usuali the one sleeping on him, why now u sleep on me; b? Haha. Da la nari tak jumpa.. Haish.. Last wk baru 2 kali je.. This wk? K, don wanna hope or think too much now.. Tapi cute kan. Pagi2 da baca org nye blog. Takut ke i ada talk abt how i waited for a reply from u ke? Well, now it has been published.

Started the day with coming to ERM lab late. Haha. Donno why I can nvr push myself to be on time on thurs. After lab, stayed back in lab for abit to do a bit of POT. I nvr even post the 4 topics on vbus la!! Ayo, rabak seyy. Heessh, ape nak jadi ni soul.. Heii.. Was also doing POT to pass the time while waiting for Guek to end class. Susah betul nk lunchdate dgn dia tau.

Went to eat at ITAS. Guek was totali ranting out on me. Haha!~ She was so mad with her dumb (not I say one ah, she say one k. hurhur!~) grp mates. Relax k babe? She looked so overworked, somehow. The skin is dry ard her eyes, peeling abit. Alahai, aku kopek2 kat hidung, dia kering mengering kat mata la pulak. U'll always have me k babe?

I just wanna say somethn. I believe that there is only one true love for me in my lifetime. Right now, I donno who. Some ppl believe they can have more than 1 true love in their lives. Well, dats what they believe. I know that in life, we can fall in and out of it. And in again. When I lost Apiz, I reali don wanna go through heartbreaks again, falling in and out of "love". I was reali da patah hati. Alipo somehow got this in my head; dat you will nvr fall in love once. Time will heal the wound. Nvr worry if u dont find ur true love before u die, bcz you will be united with him in Heaven later on, and you will be happy forever with him. No worries. Haha, Alipo was reali nice. I recall him trying to bring back the confidence in me. Just bcz he thought I was treating him as the rebound guy, he turned so cold to me and left. Well, okay. Wow, and many guys whom I dated, made me realise dating new guys is sooo not fun. Especially when they fail to leave a lasting impression on me. But not all lasting impression is gd. Some hope that I will come looking back for them one day. Sorry guys, ur numbers semua da kena buang. Im not such a ~~desperate~~ person like u. How can I like someone so easily after getting out of a 4yr r'ship? And please, sweet talk dont buy me nor my attention. Unless of course its Honey Milk Tea from Sweet Talk. Haha, okay merepek. Maybe im just telling myself this so that I wont rmbr the hurt. Maybe bcz Feb just signed in. Haha.

Da 2337 ni.. Mana seyy dia.. :-[ Nk bebual dgn dia. Somehow I know there are things on his mind, somewhat bothering him. But, i shan't ask him la. Sejak kebelakangan ni kurang bebual je kat phone. Am i thinking too much or worrying for nothing? Errr. Maybe i shud fly early tonight. Den i wont think so much abt it. ~~Feel like i miss someone who dont miss me~~. Okay `NYTES EVRYONE!

`Lost for words; lost for thoughts`

2007-02-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

I told b; i donno why i keep losing my treasures. Why do they keep leaving me. So far, Im talkin abt two ppl whom I've lost quite recently. One is I have definitely lost; the other is Im in the process of losing. Maybe da lose pon? Hmm. Dear hotfren, its okay if u lost ur treasure, at least u've tried to make it stay. Bcz for me, aku pon da tak tau ape lagi nak ckp, ape nak buat.. To make things right.

Main reason why i changed my blog pword is bcz i don wan ppl to be updated abt me virtually, rather than in person. I feel like communicating in person is just a nicer way. If u wanna noe abt me, ask me urself la kan. Dont go thru some other ppl or things or medium. Or whatever. Now is just not a time for me to be public abt what i reflect each day.

My head has been heavy for a few days now. Fever's on & off. Flu chooses to stick by me. Cant smell & hear. So sumbat & pekak. Im like brain dead too. Slow to function. Its irritating.

My line is temporarily suspended. Donno when it will be connected back. But its ok. Let me be difficult to be contacted. Hurhur~

I rmbr dat I was one of the positive ppl u can have ard u. But somehow, i've exhausted my optimism to the negative ppl who need a frequent dose of it. I hate negative vibes. It just dont feel gd. b; somehow made me realize dat Im not so optimistic anymore. :-[ I cant help it. So sorry.

I miss having a biker boyf. Im not saying ~~I miss Apiz~~. Just miss having someone special whom I can spend time with and can bring me anywhere at anytime. Also bcz I can only tolerate riding on a bike, compared to other transport.

I miss having a close gurlfren too, for me to share and confide in. Dear Guek is so busy with her own stuffs, hardly get to see her. Dear Sukh is miles and miles away from us. Besides my BFF`s, aint no other dat Im close to.

Today met b; after MP submission kat City Hall. Sorry I looked the other way. Tell ur fren Im sorry if I was rude. I just cant, dear. I cant sit dere watch u smoke. I cant bear looking at the ppl whom I care abt, smoking. Wadchu wan me to do, im sorry.

I just wanna say dat i don ever wanna lose my treasures. I nvr want it to happen. But maybe my treasures changed and hate me now.

Ur my treasure too & I cherish u. Appreciate for whatever u've done for me. I just hope I could keep u ard for very long. Coz Im a keeper; I hate to lose anythn.. xoxo; eah.

`Fill My Little World`

2007-01-31T23:47:00.001+08:00

The Feeling - Fill my little world
I had a dream we went away
Left this city for a day
You took me southwards on a plane
And showed me Spain or somewhere
But in reality you're not so keen to show me anything
And I thought you liked me
Hey, show some love, you aint so tough
Come fill my little world right up, right up
Someday you're going to realise(I want you)
To fill my little world right up, right up, right up
Yeah, so what you gonna do
With all this stuff piling up, filling up and taking up
You misunderstand me
All I wanted was some evidence
That you really like me(You really like me)
Hey, show some love, you aint so tough
Come fill my little world right up, right up
Someday you're going to realise(I want you)
To fill my little world right up, right up, right up
Maybe it's all too much
How come we're so messed up
Maybe I'm not enough
Maybe you're just too much
Hey, show some love, you aint so tough
Come fill my little world right up
OhhOhhYeahHey, show some love, you aint so tough
Come fill my little world right up, right up
Someday you're going to realise(I want you)
To fill my little world right up, right up
Hey, show some love, you aint so tough
Come fill my little world right up, right up
Someday you're going to realise
That I'm passing you by
So fill your little world right up, right up, right up
OhhCome on and show me you aint so tough

Credits to lyrics.astraweb.com

`Further; and further away...`

2007-01-31T02:36:00.000+08:00

I ~~can`t~~ believe it.
I just can`t.

I`m losing ~~you~~.

`Kakak's bit for the pictures!~`

2007-01-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

Next up; pics from Kakak's phone. =))

Dats me & Fazleen!!

Fazleen tembam; Eah & Siti.

3 anak dara: Rodiya; Solehah; Siti Hajar.

Kakak; Siti & Eah.

Candid. Noone aware of the snapping camera. Haha.

Siti; Eah & Ibu.

The strawberry cake.
Sadly cant eat much of it bcz its so much of cream!

Our cousin; Acap. Nama betol Ashraf. Hurhur~
(Anak Cik Tina)

Euphorika; Rodiva; Destinesia.

So, does any of my sisters look like me?

Yayat; Taufik; Ani; Hisyam; Fateen; Siti; Eah.
Siti tak baik, kata eah mcm budak kecik kat dlm gmbr ni. Wekkk..

Let me intro u from left is Abg Shahrul (1st bro of the groom); Kak Nor aka Shareena (the only sister of the groom); Pak Uda (my mum's elder bro) & Cik Tina aka Busu (my mum's last sister)
From left: Abg E'en (pronounced as Ee-yen); Abg Harry & and err. Oops I forgot her name. Wadizitagain?!
And here is my cousin, Epit aka Shafeeq, the last bro of the groom. Tgh stress main kompang.
Ah! My sis cam too dark la.
Anw, dats me, Bapak, Bride&Groom, Siti, Mak & Kakak.
Mak & Cik Tina.
Many times me, my sisters & my cousins hug or call the wrong mother bcz our mothers look so alike!!
ROSS: Rodiya; Solehah & Siti Hajar. Hurhur~
Dats my cute datok at the back.
Okay, at the end of the day da penat kan.. Cant think of better and more decent poses. Pouting aje la yg kita tau..

Okay, last pic!! Dats my cousin, Ina (anak Pak Uda) & Epit! Epit is botak bcz baru masuk NS & he's only 17!

`Pictures from Yayat!~`

2007-01-29T20:08:00.000+08:00

Yesss! Finally Yayat masuk msn & pass me his bit for 28.01.07 Abg Harry's wedding. Enjoy!~

1st row: Kakak; Siti; Eah; Cik Su; Yayat.
2nd row: Fazleen; Shireen; Nureen.

1st row: Kakak; Siti; Eah; Fateen; Cik Su.
2nd row: Fazleen; Yayat; Aisyah; Nureen.

Siti; Kakak; Yayat; Taufik; Eah.

Back row: Taufik & Ani
Center row: Fateen; Siti; Eah & Kakak
First row: Hisyam

The groom & bride!~ I love her baju pengantin!!!

The budak kompangs. My cousin, Shafeeq is the one in light green. He looked so stressed playing the kompang seyy; ape hal tah. Haha!~

And this is my beloved mother. =))

`A snippet of Abg Harry's wedding.`

2007-01-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

Came back from Bandar Baru Uda, Tampoi with flu. Ee. tak sedap nye! But anyways. Managed to grab a couple of photos from my cousin, Yayat. Nama betul is Hidayat. I have yet to take pictures from Kak Nor, and Kakak. Here's the first pic:

Entah eh ni. Star Wars tak menjadi di Kg Jln Jagong. HAHA!
Dats Yayat & me; Eah.And this is Yayat(`88); Eah(`87); Fateen(`95) & Ani(`86)!

There are LOADS more to come so. I cant wait to see them for myself! This weekend is Abg Harry's wedding. Next week is Cik Ngah's!! Minah2 kendarats! Pakai purples okays? Woohoo!~

`Bored at home`

2007-01-27T20:59:00.000+08:00

My dad got back from JB at 7pm just now. Now he's resting so waiting for him to wake up and we all will get ready to leave. I know. It's so late now. But it's okay, we don wanna get caught in the jam at the checkpoint.

Wow. Dat much needed sleep made me not hungry. Had the first meal for the day at 6pm, but tak habes pon. Sorry kak. Think my flu made me lose the appetite. Now just changing the skin and update the other pieces of my blog. & listening to songs. Dont tink my ears can take d blast much longer. But it's okay. Just want my mind to stop thinking.

Thinking abt what? Abt... mm... people who mean a lot to me... why things happen... why do I lose them... why it doesnt feel the same as it used to... why do ppl treat me the way they do... why are some being nice, why are some mean... what will happen tmr... what ifs... do I want what ever I lost back... do I want to fill up my empty world... do my opinions matter... am I right in thinking things this way... abt my bff`s... yup... things like dat... i noe its very vague... not even saying anythn with much details... But it's okay. ~~Noone bothers~~.

Anw, Sukh darling says she will be on the flight home Jun15, touching down on Jun16. Looking forward to the day u come back, dear. Wanna have another bday celebration, somethn like last yr. Just the 3 of us. Cam-whoring; pigging out; laughing; hugging; talking; crapping; hanging out. Miss the 3 of us bff`s. Take care over there in Birmingham, Sukh. Study hard for ur exams later. Haha. And Guek dearie, hope the intestine infection will go away soon. Hardly see u ard in sch now. Better take care. Haiz. We 3 will soon re-unite okay? = ))

Btw, with the help of Julie, or her suggestion rather; haha, I named one of my new born kittens after b; call it lil zoal. Here's a pic of it snuggling under his 2 other unnamed next-of-kins. Thx Julie for the pic, btw.

`Anna Molly`

2007-01-26T19:49:00.000+08:00

No reason why I gave `Anna Molly` as the title of this entry; just dat its the song I`m listening to right now. What am I up to? 7:51pm; I`m still at Project Room 1 doing MP. Doing the print screens for the poster. Fasha, Sha, Julie & Nad left long ago. It`s okay la, since I won`t be here tmr aftnn.

I`m leaving for M`sia tmr aftnn bcz my cousin, Abg Harry, getting married. So, I`m going after tmr`s POT talk or whatever it is, I suppose. So, right now, trying to finish up the print screens for the poster before emailing the final thingy png file to Nad, in case u need to edit my ~~disgusting piece of work~~. Haha.

It`s 8:05pm now, and b; just called. Sad dat nari tak dpt jumpa b; pasal he caught the flu. Haiz. So its like, dont think I can get to meet him tmr, Sunday pulak aku tak tau arh. Entah aku balik malam besok ke tak seyy. Feel bad abt yday`s lunch incident. Ugh. Tapi okay la eh, yday we talked on the phone till 5am. See, I told u b; I won`t be flying early last night. Landing aje yg lambat. But I loved the looonng phonecall last nyte. Ape tah kita bebual, byk seyy. Haha, so funny to hear someone who was abt to fly, saying,"b; fly with me." Wahaaha! Cute ke pe.. Abeh nampak sah dia da nak go, bcz my qns was left unanswered for almost a min. Tiba2 dia diam je.. Lain macam aje.. Pe hal.. Plane dia da sampai.. Haha okay lame. Sorry eh dear, I main2kan u semlm abt my dad. Alaa, fair la.. U always trick me tau.. Don`t worry, my dad don`t suspect anythn of dat ~~mat~~. Okie? =)) Heehee.

b; is like asking me to go home NOW. Cannot la b; doing MP.. Besok da la cant stay back.. Have to overtime ni. Okay, dear? Cakap dgn i pandai eh, suruh balik cepat. I ckp kat dia, sampai skrg dia belum sampai rumah.. Da la sakit.. Ni kes sengaje nak buat org susah hati la ni.. Hmm.

`Overdue pics`

2007-01-25T18:29:00.000+08:00

Sorry. Realized I didn`t post the pic taken with Shan Wee. Here it is:

And DanzerZ Inc. pic taken at the 6th Quarter Finals for Dhool. Too bad we didn`t get through to the Semis but I still treasure & miss the dance practices with u guys! This also goes out to Mat Rep (Magen/Kana); Bala; Rina; Maya; Kavi & sorry if I miss out any of u guys names! =) ~~miss u!~~

And these pics were taken weeeeks ago I nvr rmbred to post it here.
Well, I don`t seem to have much photos taken now. I wonder why.

And a pic of our MP group: MP28 on our last day of MP SESSION!!!

Copy the pic from Nad`s blog. Muka sungguh pucats dan buruks.

`my love`

2007-01-24T12:06:00.000+08:00

Am in lab now, just listening to Ciara`s "My Love" from her new album, The Evolution. Such a nice song. Somehow makes me cry. Bcz i donno why i keep losing my treasures wen i found them. No matter how hard i try to keep `em, they just go when they feel like it. If i lose you, the feeling wont be the same. The other day, my dad was telling me, for example if a guy divorces his wife, Allah will take away the nikmat that He has given to them.. Somethn like a balasan for not appreciating the nikmat He has given.. If the guy asks for her back, she wouldnt be feeling the same thing like last time bcz the nikmat has been taken away. So thankful for my dad to have told me dat.

Bcz i now understand what i feel, & what i no longer feel.

Nikmat ni does not only apply to love r'ships, but also to friendships etc. Nowadays keep listening to songs like Sarah McLachlan's Adia, Building A Mystery & I Will Remember You, Ciara's Like A Boy & My Love, Incubus, The Feeling, The Kooks, The Zutons, The Killers, The Fray, Muse etc.. Sometimes up mood sometimes mellow mood.. Ugghhh. Let me end this entry off with some lyrics of Ciara's My Love. U should listen to it.

Cause if you only knew what I felt for you

You would have held on tighter

Fought a little harder

Been a little smarter and now you're gonna miss my love

And one day soon you'll see

You'll reach out for me

Boy you had a keeper

Didn't know how to treat her

Should have felt a little deeper and now you're gonna miss my love

My hugs (and)

My kisses

You know you're gonna miss it

And while you're trippin on the love we could have had

I'm movin on

I got to (and)

Ain't no lookin back

`Wondering who; what; why; how?`

2007-01-23T23:29:00.000+08:00

yup; it`s b; who wrote the last entry. haha. don`t ask. not gonna answer :p

let it speak

2007-01-23T19:13:00.000+08:00

frankly speaking, i don’t know you well but what i’m sure of is, i want to know more about you.

i believe that thru sharing our thoughts, our past, our ambitions, our feelings and everything!

we will learn and understand each other well; even ourselves.

"so let it speak for itself and not words."

- zoal; observe. analyse. learn.

`aarghhhh..!`

2007-01-21T19:01:00.000+08:00

evrythn is just so irritating now!

`I officially shed my first tears in 2007; why?`

2007-01-21T18:36:00.000+08:00

In the middle of last month, I kept having weird dreams. Ppl say its mainan tido, but to me I noe they always tell me somethn. I just have to figure it out if I wanna noe wad it means. Warning: dreams may not make sense, but there are significant things dat we shud take note of.

I and my frenz, only rmbred Julie, Nad and Fasha being in it tho I noe there were some others, were at some supermarket to get some snacks. Walking back to sch, I had to cross the road and it was raining heavily. I opened my umbrella but I tink it got inverted? I closed and opened it again and crossed the wet, wet road. When I reached the shelter, Julie was dere waiting for me to go up to class together. Ape tah kita beli, masing2 bawak beg plastic sendiri. I rmbred the sky became dark and it was like a storm was gonna come or somethn. We were all going up the stairs in a single file. But halfway up, the stairs don’t seem to go up. I donno how to say this, but it’s like after I climbed the flight of stairs and turning to climb the next, it’s going down instead of up. I just went ahead. And the next flight of stairs was still going down. I tink I was at the same level for dat while. I stopped, turned back, asked Fasha to go before me so dat I know im not ‘going down’. Surprisingly, the stairs were going up, back to normal. Okay so, continuing to reach the last floor, I realized dere was a little girl clinging to the railing of the staircase landing. Do u get the picture? This staircase, u can see the outside. She seemed to want climb over the thing, she could fall any second! But all my friends buat dek je main jalan naik tangga. I went to the girl, brought her down. I asked the girl, “Knp adek panjat? Adek nak g ane?” She said, ”Ada org tu kat pokok, dia panggil2 adek.” I looked at the tall tree outside, like coconut tree seyy sesat, and I saw Cik Pon. Haha. Pelik kan? Then I wanted to carry the girl up the last flight of stairs and out the door, but there was a force pulling me. I hugged the girl and crouched at the corner, I told her to baca la. While I was calming her, and also myself, down, the Cik Pon was mocking at me. Saying things like, kau baca pon kau fikir aku takut kind of thing. She laughed at me sia, sial nye hantu. Then one of my guy friends who is warak, and I don rmbr who, was the last to reach the last floor. I asked him to help me, take the girl or help both of us to go up the tangga. He was like, “Huh? Asal kau tak kuat ke?” I told him the Cik Pon is ‘locking’ my legs’. He looked at the tree and said, “Eh ok, aku g cari kawan lagi tolong kau k tunggu jap.” Argh.. Ape nye budak ni tinggalkan aku ketakutan sia kat situ. The dream ended with me still saying prayers and staring at the light coming from the open door on top of the stairs.

There was another separate dream abt one of my teeth falling out. It was already loose, looked painful but I felt nothing la. Haha! I played with the loose tooth till it fell out, and a new tooth was just growing under.

With help from http://petrix.com/dreams/; I managed to make sense of such weird things. Well, I don wanna say what it all means. All I know is dat I started the new year off quite well, optimistic, left a bad year behind. However, somethn dat has recently left me provoked me and the tears just came. Last nyte, it was excruciating enough for my brain to squeeze out the juice of what I blocked from remembering. I don’t want to leave it to fate in the first place, but why do u push it? Ur leaving it to fate, but in the meantime u don want to move on, u still want to take care of me. I just don’t get it okay. I don’t. What my instincts tell me, is what I believe.

`Boy I miss you so.`

2007-01-20T19:31:00.000+08:00

Rainy day today. And bcz of dat, i lazy go down to sch to do MP. Also, its the first day of the month seyy. Today b; work, so tak dpt jumpa dia. Macam tak sah gitu kalau tak jumpa. Nak jumpa mesti hari2. Kalau tak jumpa, sms mcm nak gila. Haha. Padahal smlm baru jumpa b; kat Woodlands. b; ur pantun of the day is soo short, but adorable can? Org kata i just wanted to see u, tu pon lambat processing nye. Haha! Ee.

`...I wanna be with u, evryday.`

Today just stay at home, watch "Time for dancing" at Channel5. Help me pass the time since cant get to see b;. I`m waitin for ur reply btw b; da abes kerja lom? Nak talk to u, bcz i want see u tmr, can? *keeps fingers crossed* =))

`Continued from the previous entry`

2007-01-19T19:29:00.000+08:00

Haha. Aku da agak mesti aku tak continue my last entry. I`ll just give u the highlights of yday, oritey?

Came to sch for MP at 0900hrs as usual.
It was the first day of TP`s Openhouse.
Wanted ERM lab to end early so dat we cud catch the DK barat performance; but Mr Kelvin Lim keep stressing dat we gonna take 2 hrs for lab. Haha. In the end, we end at 12nn bcz somethn wrong wit the SAP haha!
Walked around our school's openhouse, and saw Carrie Chong & Shan Wee.
Took a pic wif only Shan bcz apparently none of us reali wanna take wif Carrie? Sorry.
Had late lunch. Before going back to lab to do MP.
Went to b;`s sch, Republic Poly (RP). The new campus is reali reali awesome. The buildings are so new dat i got semput bcz the place like no ventilation sia. Haha. b; i don want take dat flight of stairs okay. Went dere bcz nak meet b; tunggu dia dgn alif do some editing. Played b;`s lappie in his cool green lab. Haha. Eh, the lighting why so dim seyy? Sakit mata i. Well, at least u dpt jugak rasa campus baru sebelum graduate, kan? =))
Da, den we head home. And i fell asleep, smsing b;. Sorry!!

`I'm blogging bcz i ain`t got nothing to do`

2007-01-18T21:50:00.000+08:00

I`m at b;`s cool green lab, waiting for him & alif (sorry if wrong spelling) to finish editing their scenes. I bored, can? But anw, thx b; for lending me ur lappie. U have the same lappie as me. Hmm. Verrrry similar..

I`m blogging now for no reason actuali. Haha. But since someone keep asking me why i tak blog and also bcz i aint got nothing to do while waiting, hence i bloggg. However i tink i cant finish whatever i wanna blog now since i tink they making a move soon. Haha. I see la if i wanna continue once i get back. Bye.

`Mr. Brown surprises Ms. Brown!`

2007-01-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

My plan today was to wake up early, visit maktok (my grandma) & meet b; before headin to Suntec for the NTU talk. Well, somehow, the plan changed overtime. I watched the rain, tot dat i shud visit her later. I cant rmbr i sms julie or she sms me, but it was decided dat i come down earlier. So my plan changed from leaving the house early, see maktok & meet b; to leaving the house at 1400hrs & meet b; first, to leaving the house asap to meet julie & siti before meeting b;. Erm, any idea why? Somehow dear b; got Julie`s no. from Nad, pakat wit her to play on me. Actuali, niat b; baik la, & sweet. He just wanted to meet me at my block & leave together. Haha, & he intended it to be a surprise. So while i have siap all & rush out of the house & got down to level 1, i called b;.

"Hello. U kat ne?"
"I still in school, tgh break. U? Da keluar belum?"
"Da la. U told me to call u wen I leave the house wad."
"Ok.." *silence*
"Ok? Hello? Asal diam? Ape nye yg ok?"
"Huh? Oh takda pape, just say ok je."
~At this time i realized a guy was walking behind me entah keluar dari mane la. But I buat bodoh.~
"Kol brp u leaving sch?"
"Da nak keluar la, soon."
~I waited at the bus stop on the stairs & the guy stood behind me. I wanted to turn, but I only half turn, nvr reali looked. Then i saw 222 approachin.
"Siallah!" *starts to fumble for my ezlink in my bag*
"Asal?"
"No, takda pape. Tunggu jap eh, tunggu jap.."
~I board the bus. There was a mat in front of me, & dat guy was still behind me. Ugh! & this mat pulak irritating nvr pay correct fare, badan da la besar block the way. Then, he walked first, I tapped my card. SUDDENLY! (haha, nak kasi mcm terperanjats gitu ye)...~
"Jalan tak tgk belakang ke?"
~Dat guy talked to me from my back & I turned to see who the hell....~
"Eh?!"

It was b; laa!! Haha! We sat down & he told me la, he got Julie to pakat wif him. I tak percaya dat it was Julie, so i asked him to show her no. la. Skali reali Julie seyy. Like whaaaat! Play on me siaa.. ='( Ape seyy.. Then, i merajuk abit la. Paiseyy tau! Den b; said,"Ala, org da dtg ni bagi surprise kena marah seyy..."

Aaahh! Tak baik eh u b;! Sampai pakat dgn Julie semua.. Tapi, ur gesture very sweet la okay? =D I was just still in shock, donno nak react canne. Abeh u pakat dgn i pe? Pakai baju brown? Hehhe.

Sucha nice day =) After go NTU talk, me & b; go Mac at Marina Square, had a light meal. Then since walkin in Marina Sq. was sooo colddd, we decided to walk outside to Esplanade. From Esplanade, we sat at the bridge & talked. After a while, I suggested,"Wanna walk to Chinatown from here?" He said,"Huh? Walk? Serious kape? Can laa. I anythn." I said,"Okay, then I can show u where i used to work last time also."

So we walked, hand in hand. I ajak him go inside Fullerton Hotel, bcz i wanna go toilet! Haha! Den, we walked past OCBC, Singtel, Great Eastern, China Square, Hong Lim Complex & he brought me to a place in Chinatown dat i nvr reali knew existed! Haha! Its like the "bazaar Geylang" of Chinatown. Da rounding-rounding, we walked up to Outram to SGH. Knp ni b; so sweet? Aah! He da sent me to the hosp, den he went off.

My nenek is fine, Alhamdullilah! & my datok is sooo cute laaa! Eee! Geram! I reached Ward 73, saw my datok first, waved at him & went up to him. I salam him & asked,"Mana bilik dia?" Tok kata,"Entah la, tok tgh cari balik ni! Tok lupa kat ne!" Haha!!! Astaga, cute laaa.

After da bebual2 wif maktok all, me, siti, tok, mak & bapak left to have dinner at Seah Im hawker opp. HarbourFront. Wah so fulfilling & fun wif my datok around! Ah Julie, bet u wanna noe how his actions were! So cute!!

I realli appreciate the surprise tau b; bcz i love surprises =)) U made my day today, just like evryday other day. heart u, b; & i heart my family =))

`Hold my hand; b.`

2007-01-11T21:55:00.000+08:00

woke up at 0800. b; smsed me, checked if i was up.
i rollin`-rollin` first & msged him b4 i got out of bed to mandi.
he asked if i wanna go breakfast wit him, & after dat he`ll send me to sch.
i said yeh, where to meet?
he told me meet at tamp.
(im supposed to meet julie&sha in sch at 1000)
in d end, we ate roti prata opp TP.
after breakfast, he sent me supposedly silicon lab laa.
but wen he saw so many ppl at the corridors,
he pressure & decided to send me till d lift only.
den i said "ok, i go put my bag first, den i come back show u d way out".
haha. i meant to get julie&sha to see him.
but wen i came back out, he saw them, he ran down d stairs.
dammit la.
haha. i was a bit upset la, but salah aku jugak la kan..
i nvr asked him if he was ok wit it.
sorry b;

after ERM lab, me, julie, sha & fasha went for lunch.
haha. julie was like irritating me d whole time.
& wen nad came, nad was irritating sha d whole time.
after lunch, went back to biz tech lab to do MP.
someone wanted to meet.
i lazy to find fault again, i juz say ok.
den later on 4 or 5 plus, b; sms tanya dia nk...
whenever he says like dat, dia nak jumpa la tu.
haha!
i looked out d window; it was raining elephants&monkeys sia.
and its a sign dat someone runs a lower chance of meeting me today.
mana leh naik motor hujan2..
dangerous pe..
told him next time can, terus mengamok aahhh.
i lazy talk abt him.

wen b; was on his way to TP,
me & fasha g lib jap, cari buku PHP.
smsed b; to meet me in front of lib.
heh. b; very cute tau. da tau hujan; dia pakai seliper.
tapi bawak payung.
pakai kasut tak nak...
there goes my putera air batu..
den b; went down to d comp lab wit me;
tried to help me wit the PHP codes.
we were still in d lab wen all my frenz have left;
except ziming & vishal.
we left sch.
i wanted to eat.
we headed to Bedok BK.

thx la b; for d PHP help contribution & replyin dat someone.
my mind becoming blank uh...
and next time don wanna walk home wit me,
can just tell me.
we can take d bus home.
tell me laa abt ur dream; can??

`...hold my hand; b.`

`Mood swing from foul to good`

2007-01-11T13:28:00.000+08:00

okay, can i be d 3rd or 4th person, i donno which, to blog abt d cockroach thingy??
ok, here goes.
since sha blog it in 'script' form, i shall blog it using a diagram. haha!

As u can see where each of us were sitting at in d lab yday doing MP,
i shall tell u abt the cockroach incident.
all of us were stressed up for MP, all eyes glued to each of our comps';
when suddenly julie pekik "COCKROACH!" and pointed near 1 (the door).
she terus moved back, pushing her chair out of d way.
siallah, d lipas was so near to me sia, and i tink i squat on my chair.
i tink la, ~~cant rmbr~~.
& semua geli, terpekik2 when d lipas ran under julie & sha table.
entah bila tiba2 fasha da kat 2 (the other door), getting ready to go out of d room.
then all go there sia.
d lipas pulak trick us. slowly crept back under 1, & so i said "eh da la korang dia da keluar.."
& nad was like "NO! its still under the door."
sial nye lipas masuk balik, & i jumped out of my chair & ran to 1.
it ran to under sha's table & stayed dere.
since nad was d nearest to 3, where there were boxes on top of d cupboard,
told her to take d box & smack dat thing.
haha! while they figured out, i ran out, took one round & stood outside 1.
in d lab in front of nad, sha & julie, there were other students who were
looking at us & wondering wth we were screaming abt, jumping here & dere.
i went in dat lab & told one of the chinese guy, who was lookin into our lab,
"can please help us? got cockroach inside."
& d guy turn back to his frenz & said "eh, cockroach laaarr.."
he went out & stood wif me.
"actuali, im also scared of cockroach one eh"
"huh what? eh help la. we also scared it can fly one"
"fly ah?! ayo i more scared arh dat one!"
den somehow wen d cockroach crept back out under 1, d guy stand by the rug outside 1
& throw it on d thing & stamped on it!
haha! & sha also went stomp! stomp! stomp!
wah we reali de-stress. thx to the lipas.
but sorry we had to kill u.
damn.
we left the lab so late. 2140 ard dere.
& i on my way to meet b;
somebody got mad bcz i cant meet him.
oh well, tink u ppl shud noe la kan.
d one i don wanna say his name anymore.
he blah blah blah at me all d way till i reach tamp int.
otw to tamp int, b; sms say his bus broke down & have to wait for another bus.
he sounded irritated & all.
in d meantime, julie sms say, who knows, b; is trying to trick me.
haha! i said no la don tink so.
so was waiting at d top-up place dere, smsing dat someone.
i noe b;`s sms came in but i was still replyin someone.
skali, a voice behind me said "oh tak baca sms i eh?"
haha! b; da sampai! & saw dat i was replying to someone.
then he was like "arh...! damn la. shit. should have taken my time seyy.."
den i was like why...?
den i read his sms.
"alaa... b, this is taking ages. do u think we should still meet?"
HAHA! b; u cant play my trick on ME!
mentang2 d other day i made u run for me. heehee..
so den, we decided to eat at bedok corner.
nasi ayam penyet =)
took 10 dere, and 14 to go back to my house.

ahh... love d day yday..
foul mood during lunchtime; swung back to gd mood towards d end of d day.
~~heart~~ u b;

`H-Y-P-E-R;; hyperventilating.`

2007-01-09T12:00:00.000+08:00

okay ppl. i donno what to blog abt.

my blog is the most boring of all.

haha.

oh well.

k maybe i shall talk abt today =)

Im super hyper today.

Lack of sleep or too happy; i donno.

Im just ~~blank.~~

Yday, i went to sleep happy =)

Today, i woke up happy =)

I love late nyte phone calls.

I talked wit b; till 2+ in the morning.

Altho im having presentation later on.

So da tido, i sadar at 6am, check my phone, Azry smsed at 4am.

To say what?

"Oh i was patrolling ard ur block area, and i tot i saw u at the busstop"

Mana aku ada merayap kol 4 pagi kat busstop pulak tu Azry?!

Da kena kacau, was fightin for my sleep which was already inadequate.

Den, 7am da sadar, wake up to go sch.

b; called, checked whether i da bgn.

Haha! And i woke up so hyper siaa!

WTH.

Since last nyte.

Eh but i happy la.

Somebody sanggup run for me;

and nvr reali made a big fuss abt it,

except for the part dat he perspired in his sweater, running with d bulky bags.

Sorry dear. Gurau je..

And kalau nak meet, cakap je la okay..

Takmo *hint *hint.

Nanti b; tak dapat =P

Wrapping off; I`m so freeeee nowww.

I want go fly. k bye!

`Stay with me; b.`

2007-01-06T17:31:00.000+08:00

See your smile's, got me high

And I'm begging to be part of your sky

I will fly, Seven four seven, 24/7

What am I saying, hyperventilating

Want it to be, the game that you been playing

Tek yuh time, join deh line fi knock me door

Rock mi body, till u caan rock it no more

An if yu ready, yu fi really mek me soar

(Like a bird in the sweet summer shore)

And if yuh never know sey dat me waan yu do

Step aside cuz some'in muss do you

You either will or you won't, you do or yuh don't

Better play me right in every note

Oh why, Oh why

Yu dey pan mi mind

Can you tell me why (Tell Me)

Why yu dey pan me mind (Mind)

My yute, tell yu di truth

Me want everything package up inna yu suit

You deh pon me mind

And me ready feh recruit

Show me wah you got if yuh waan me salute

I know your watching me

Cuz i been watching you

And if u didnt know, im ready for you

`Stay with me; b.`

`How my new year has been so far`

2007-01-03T17:30:00.000+08:00

My new year has been quite rocky.

DancerZ Inc. didnt qualify for semi-finals.

But dat is not what im sad abt.

Im sad dat DancerZ inc. fell apart on New Year's day.

Im really tired of waiting for dat someone.

He purposely keeps me waiting for his answer/decision.

Fuck la. I have been kept waiting for 3 weeks!

More like 5 months. Dammit.

I tink soon; i wont be replying his sms and will be rejecting his calls.

I`ve had it.

I know been saying dat, but u noe why it has not end?

Dat guy keeps running from reality.

Menyusahkan hidup aku sial ni jantan.

On the other hand, someone has been giving me a lot of support.

Appreciate it alot.

Bcz im slowly getting back my old positive self.

Too much of negative vibes from the ex.

Notice i don even wanna say his name anymore.

Jijik!

Now am in lab, pening with php codes to install the ecards to send through email.

HOW TO DO.....!!!???

`That Morning`

2006-12-31T11:09:00.000+08:00

I woke up on the morning of dec27`06

to find dat I don`t love the liar anymore.

The one I have been loving and cared for 4 years plus.

I don`t feel anythn anymore.

When I meet him, it doesn`t make me smile anymore.

His hugs, his kisses and his 'i miss you's don`t mean anythn.

When he calls, i don`t feel like talking anymore.

When he sms, i don`t feel like replying.

I think it`s official.

My heart is closed.

And it will be for very long.

The year has been too much for me.

TOO MUCH.

I`ve had enough. And im ready to pack up and go.

`Million of Apologies`

2006-12-26T12:38:00.000+08:00

Sorry have not had d time to update!

Dance is reali holding me up.

Getting a job is put on hold too bcz of my dance commitments.

Not dat im complaining;

I tink after im done with this competition,

I should be free as per normal =))

Here are some pictures of me and my dance grp

*DancerZ Inc.*

1st row from left: Vinod a.k.a. Belah Pepek (guy in blue); Gajen a.k.a. Cicak (guy wif tie);

Maya (my scandal, my babe!); Ben a.k.a. Boost (the choreographer);

Karthik & Kenny a.k.a. Duck (Vinod's bro)

2nd row from left: Madina a.k.a. BlinkBlink (gurl in white); Rina a.k.a. OrangeJuice;

Soul/Myself a.k.a. Ms Carrot & Yoges (Karthik's sis)

The 3 stooges: Soul; Rina; Maya.

`Aku 'kan tinggalkan segalanya..`

2006-12-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

Kaulah cintaku yang pertama..

Menduakanmu tidak pernah sekali..

Kalau benar tidak mungkin kita bersama..

Maafkanku; aku tak ` kan kembali..

Need the translation sukhi darling?

haha..

just have a feeling dat u might be scratching ur head..

[You are my first love

To be unfaithful to you, I never once do

If it's true we can never be together

Forgive me; i will not come back to you]

`Here I stand in utter silence; upset`

2006-12-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

why izit dat i can be dere for u;
but u cant do the same for me?
why izit dat i will do all out just to be dere when u call..
do i give too much just to make ur day?
why does it not work the other way??

companionship.
i want dat.

no fucking to mood to eat at all.

`How do I?`

2006-12-07T12:54:00.000+08:00

It`s been months and I am still stuck.

She broke down and cried.

She couldn`t take it bcz she had been happy.

After dat phonecall, her plastered heart tore again.

Under some circumstances, the phone wasn't in her favour.

Her sim card got blocked, and she was just in utter blankness.

She couldn`t talk anymore.

She just donno what to say; or think.

She didn`t want to care abt her phone.

She just wanted some time alone.

A peace of mind.

Life was normal the next day. Almost.

Came back home late, exhausted from all the workout.

Before the bus stopped, she had a feeling someone was waiting for her.

But was it a feeling or just a hope?

With the music loudly blasting in her ears,

she just took the lift up without caring who walked past.

The ache was throbbing in her head.

Took a quick cold shower; washed up and dragged herself to bed.

Trying to soothe her headache by sleeping; it took awhile.

A knock on the door and her sis asked if she saw him below.

Sis said,"Okay, so now i tell him to go home."

She said no and took the phone from sis and called him.

I have been an emotional wreckkkkk.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh

susahnye hidop!!!!!

`Love Bites!`

2006-12-03T12:58:00.000+08:00

lovebites. cant get enuff of it. bite me, baybeh.

`U were sooo cute`

2006-12-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

I gotta admit.
Jam & Hop this time round is disappointing.
Not all the songs are 'groovable' and not even the least latest hot songs or sumtin?
Where did u guys get the DJ and host from?
And why end so early at 10??

But nevertheless, we just danced.
Haha..
Ahh! So many idiots step on my feet la. Haha.
Was dancing all the way wif my Guek! Ee. Geram aku tau!
And occasionally there were Nad, Yaya, Aida, Farid, Fad&bf, Ahmad and gang.
The place was like a sauna. Hah.

Altho i started off wif a bad morning, the day ended nice =)
Was crying in bed, refused to get up;
Until my parents said,"Eah meh makan la!"
(My dad is back from hosp, btw.)
Didnt go for lecture pon today. Mm.

Okay, i shall not tink of wat makes me cry anymore.
Take it; or leave it.
Mr. A is back in my life; and I like!

U are cute la.

So after jam&hop; walked outta school wif guek, asyraf, syimir, ahmad, haikal & adam.
Talked and talked and talked. Haha.
The Troy part was hilarious!

Oh what a nyte! Why oh why wud i wanna be anywhere else?

`Why wud i wanna be anywhere else?`

2006-12-01T23:58:00.000+08:00

Riding through the city on my bike all day
Cause the filth took away my licence
It doesn't get me down and I feel ok
Cause the sights that I'm seeing are priceless

Everything seems to look as it should
But I wonder what goes on behind doors
A fella looking dapper, but he's sittin with a slapper
Then I see it's a pimp and his crack whore

You might laugh you might frown
Walkin' round London town

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it's all lies

`December already???`

2006-12-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

Oh my god! i just realized;

it is freaking december already??

so fast.. and i don reali rmbr much. ha!

but i noe got many sad things happen la..

wth. i don care.

new year is coming. should look ahead to it. =))

`Let go of the grudge please`

2006-12-01T01:10:00.000+08:00

why leave things hanging?
why let other things affect what has got nothing to do wif?
why dont ya get it done and over wif?
why live wif this still stuck somewhere in the back of your mind?

izit really worth it?

btw, am in love wif Nelly Furtado's `No Hay Igual`.

It means "there's not the same". In Spanish.

I wanna dedicate this song to Apiz. =)

`Who am i?`

2006-11-27T13:42:00.000+08:00

.uninvited.

.forgotten.

Do you think you're better off alone?

Talk to me.

Do you think you're better off alone?

This song is stuck in my head; as well as Irreplaceable by Beyonce Knowles.

To the left; To the left

Standing in the front yard, telling me

How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout

How I'll never ever find a man like you

You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me

I could have another you in a minute

Matter 'fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me

I can have another you by tomorrow

So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

You're irreplaceable

`Dont act all shady`

2006-11-23T11:51:00.000+08:00

Left the house around 1035hrs.

Was walking along my usual route when I saw a man, calling out 'Hello'.

I looked again and I realized he`s blind.

He wanted to go the busstop I`m heading to but he went the wrong way.

So, I helped him cross the road.

I kept a lookout for CT18 for him to board.

I helped him all the way till his ride came.

And I forgot no lab today. Hmm.

Eh, aku tak heran la eh.

Kau susahkan org, asalkan kau happy.

How selfish. I nvr tot u wud be.

And plz. I don like the facade ur putting up.

Got nothing to hide what for look away?

And u turned ur back. Hypocritical.

Fuck la.

Sukati kau la eh jane.

Aku ni siapa kan.

Dont say things when u FUCKING mean another.

Dats ur problem.

Bcz of dat, u walk off happy, left others scratching their heads,

trying to find out what wrong they did.

And bcz ur soooooo caught up wif urself,

U just shrug them off when all they wanna do is

correct their 'mistake'.

As long as YOU ARE HAPPY.

It makes u feel COMPLETE right?

I fucking hate ppl who just don do a thing or ANYTHN abt it.

`I aint complete. I dont have the 2 most closest ppl in life.`

2006-11-22T18:02:00.000+08:00

What do you do?

When u are so attached to ppl whom u are close to,

but situations changed, and they are no longer close to you.

I cant turn left.

I cant turn right.

Bcz fuck. I got noone to turn to.

The ppl whom i first run to, has already left my side.

Well, i donno if they are replacable,

but i believe i can replace them.

i can find others to be close wif.

Know why?

I fucking dont believe in forever.

`I may be a free lady; but my life is still controlled`

2006-11-20T14:19:00.000+08:00

Aku betol tak paham perangai jantan. Asal dorang begitu nye selfish?

Why am I like so mad?

I found out Apiz smsed Rezal behind my back.

On Saturday (Nov18) I had performance. Apiz badly wanted to fetch me.

So he came quite early, ard 2145hrs, Im supposed to end at 2200hrs.

I had one last item to perform, so I asked Apiz to hold my hp. I rmbred locking my keypad.

After performance and costume change, I came down to his bike.

I asked for my hp back and I realized its not locked.

Apiz said,"Tadi Ahmad sms".

I said,"Oh, okay".

I checked to see dat it has been read. And wen I wanted to reply Ahmad,

I realized my sms is not in dictionary mode.

Apiz dont type in dictionary mode.
I asked him if he read my sms, he said no.

Then wen I asked why is my hp not locked, he just shrugged and said donno.

WTF. Tipu pon tak teragak.

How did I find out he sms Rezal?

Bcz it has been more than a wk I din contact Rezal. I told myself to contact him

once Im done wif my Nov18 performance.

Dats how I get the confirmationssss Apiz threatened Rezal to jaga mulut and stay away from me.

WTFFFFFFFFFFF.

Broke up wif me but yet wanna control my social life. Fucking fuuuuuucccccck!

Seriously la. I just think dat guys right, when they already have a girl who love him sooo much;

they still think there is someone out there for him. A better one.

Why cant guys appreciate the one that they have?

I just feel like i shud stop dating. Kan senang utk semua pihak.

Ughhhhhhh.

`Why do I still?`

2006-11-10T14:28:00.000+08:00

How can I not cry?
How can I not be sad abt it?
When ppl who mean a lot to me
Don`t really wanna be wif me

Why shud I try?
Why shud I tink abt it?
I ain`t got anywhere to be
I ain`t got anyone to see

Wif evryday dat I continue to live my life, I learnt dat I shudn`t get myself too attached to anythn or anyone. Bcz when they`re gone, it hurts to feel empty & abandoned. I shud brainwash myself by saying nothing means anythn anymore; nothing is impt. I shud nvr expect anythn in return. There is NO meaning.

When I tink back, I don tink I wud ever go back to Apiz IF he asks me back. He already said I`m not The One, why shud I be stupid? Being kind to others but being unfair to myself is soo stupid. Gd thing my memory isn`t working well. I even forgot dat sometimes I sneak out late at nyte when he wants to see me. Donno why I still care. Why soul, why? Why do u care abt ppl who leave u?

Aliff was right. I care too much; and Apiz doesn`t want it. Oh. But I forgot. Aliff left me too. They make it look so easy to leave.

I don tink I want anymore r`ships. Love`s messy. And till now, no fren ever reali stayed. Wonder where I get support from sometimes.

Just don feel like caring anymore.

`Evryone has problems`

2006-11-08T22:44:00.000+08:00

`Evryone has problems`

Presentation was a bit shitty bcz I can`t answer d part dat I was presenting. Mm, dats all. Hopefully, it`s all okay.

Met Guek darling for a bit at mushroom. Asked her to buy me a Hiro cake. Juz wanted to pass d time wif her while I wait for Aimi. Guek is forever cute laa. How can I not love my best friend?

At abt 1845hrs, Aimi reached IT sch carpark to pick me up. Hah. Funny guy. So, we went Simpang Bedok for him to buka. Puasa enam laa org tu. We juz sat & ate & chat. Aimi said dat I looked pale. I was like,"Okayy...First time org kata gitu." According to him, I looked more happy d first time we met at hot fren`s chalet. Hah, and I said,"But during dat time, I was more sad compared to now."

Well Aimi, I agree. Evryone has their own problems. Life is not life if there are no problems. Hah, and tumpang dgn ini budak eh, lepak sia! Kelakar. Siao. And I found out too dat, tho I noe Adam is like his sooo long time fren since primary sch, I realized he knows Syaf (Syafiqah) & Adil too. Small small world.

I`m happy wif d banner I did for d cc. The cc whose tarian I`m involved wif. And speaking of which, someone from Aunty`s side is interested. Jemputan org kawin. Performance. What am I talkin abt? Heh, =P I donno... Here`s d banner I did, btw.

`Trigger me`

2006-11-08T11:22:00.000+08:00

`Trigger me`

I donno what izit dat I do evryday.
I wish I cud remember.
Bcz I wake up evry morning tired.
With no piece of ydays left in my head.

`How November began for me`

2006-11-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

`How November began for me`

my dad`s not home.
my mum`s been feeling alone.
i wake up evry morning, to find d house empty.
and i`m on my own.
how many more of my loved ones has to be?
why is life so hard on me?

yes family is always important.
this is the part where friends & boyfriends don`t really matter.
bcz what they always do. always always do.
is come and go.

`Bad days. Bad mood. Bad Everything.`

2006-11-03T10:02:00.000+08:00

`Bad days. Bad mood. Bad Everything.`

whatever

Whatever.

`You tear evry part of my aching heart`

2006-11-01T13:24:00.000+08:00

`You tear evry part of my aching heart`

I donno. I just donno.

Why do I still have the heart?

Why. Why do ppl keep on hurting me?

Why do they hit me so hard?

I wished I was rich. So that I can migrate to somewhere else far.

Singapore is too fucking small for me to live a new life.

My brain is not working hard enuff. My memory is still intact. Means when somethin trigger,

it all comes back and its fucking painful!

My heart is overworking bcz I get hurt ALL the FUCKING time!!!

FUCK YOU

`Snaps on oct30`

2006-10-31T21:36:00.000+08:00

`Snaps on oct30`

Excuse my red eyes & tired face. So opposite from the dude beside me wif a fresh face. Haha, okay. Now ta taaa.... I want sleeeeep.... Hope I get dat surprise call, but I doubt laaa.... Soul, gooo... Nyte!

`Still smiling`

2006-10-31T20:45:00.000+08:00

`Still smiling`

My feet suffered bruises & cuts from wearin` my new red flats. Tot I cud get myself used to it first b4 wearin it on Thurs. But I so smart wore it yday. So, been wearin flip-flops to sch. Also, my right eye got red. Juz wen I tot I wanna go town.

I was supposed to meet Rezal at 2045hrs last nyte. I got outta sch at 1600hrs; went back home to get a change of footwear. I called Dee up; to hangout wif me for a bit at Starbucks Simei. I was lying down for a bit b4 heading out to Simei, when Rezal called. Haha, I guess he wanted to see how I am on the phone, b4 seeing myself in person. After Maghrib, my hot fren so sweet, come down to accompany me after Dee left wif Hamad. Den Rezal smsed, said to meet at 2015hrs instead bcz he needed to pick up sumtin in town. So, me & Ahmad was waiting ard, in front of Eastpoint, looking at evry car to guess if it was Rezal. In d end, dere was this grey Mitsubishi Lancer dat drove past us. & we tot, it cud be him. Haha. & yes! It was Rezal. & guess wad? We were dressed almost alike! I was so afraid I was too slack, but turned out, he was too. Red top, khaki corduroy jeans & slippers. Dee, dia tak pakai selipar jamban laa. Baha!

WHO IS REZAL?! I noe u guys r wondering, I sengaja kip d suspense. Can I say he was a date yday? Haha, we planned to `chat over coffee` on Monday nyte & nope, I`ve never met him. Well, he is a celup of Chinese+Hindustani. I gotta lyk speak more English now, bcz he don speak much Malay. He is a `reckless` driver & makes me laugh. & one plus factor: he likes to take pictures! Yey. Best. Haha.

Now back to yday, we reached Wheelock at 2100hrs exact. We picked up his stuff, and went to chill at CBTL Borders. & funny thing is: WE BOTH DONT DRINK COFFEE. See, how can u not laugh? He`s so cute wen he asked,"Wait, u dont drink coffee izit?" & I was like,"Nope." & he said,"Okayyy, same here..." Wen he realized we don drink dat, his face became all sheepish. Hahaaii.. So we sat & chat, drank & snapped. Until I cudn`t take it anymore, I had to get some rest. He drove me home, my eyes were closed all the way.

What? & u tot dat was it? No laa. At ard 0500hrs, he smsed me. I happened to be up so, another plus factor: he`s not afraid to sms me early in d mornin =)) I like surprise calls & sms in d mornin (b4 6am, dat is.)

I`m quite sick ryte now so I`ll juz wrap diz up wif some pix. Above this entry, orite? Okay, bye-.

`1422hrs into oct27'06`

2006-10-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

`1422hrs into oct27'06`

Left d house at 0840hrs, only to miss d shuttle bus to sch. So, I knew I had to miss a few buses, b4 an empty bus actuali comes. Reached sch, meet my MP grpm8s at 0910hrs. Hah. & Julie was 2 mins after me. Yeh, so we wanted to grab sumtin to eat b4 headin` to Silicon Lab. So we were walkin` & talkin`. & Sha was coughin` so I was lyk, "Are u sick?". Sha said, "Ya bcz minum byk sgt air gas". okayy. dat looked funny. air & gas. not 'water&gas'. Den, aku ni adalah nk step mcm mananye makcik, said wif d finger action, "Hah. Tulah minum lagi air gas!". And piiiuung...! My black ring flew off my finger, broke into 2 wen it hit d floor. Hrmphh. I nid to buy new one. Nyehh. Not only dat, but import some flesh into my fingers.

It`s 1434hrs, and I`m still here, doing the powerpoint slides & 3NF data tables. Almost done laa. I want sleep.

Anw, I was watchin` Cassie`s 'Long Way 2 Go' vid again! & I can`t help but feel lyk the hot guy remind me of Alipo aka Aliff. Aliff juz has dat same face shape, & looked at me juz d way d hot guy had his eyes on Cassie. ~~Miss him~~. Reali hope he`s doing fine, altho he cut off all ties wif me. *sobs*