What used to be: Too faithful. Ever sacrificing. Quiet. Reliant on her other half. Serious. Dont usuali talk back. Selfless. Puts the blame on self and first to apologize. Ever ready to be there for him.
Now: Non-existent faith. Can sacrifice lah, a bit a bit. Sometimes talkative, but seldom comment or judge. Independent. Take things lightly (lek-lek aje..). Defensive bcz I speak up for myself and stand my own ground. Still selfless but care abt herself more now. Rational, see what went wrong and then see what is to blame. Can`t be bothered, have to think of myself now.
See, when it used to be the time when I dedicated my all to someone, it is meant to stay. But when my dedication isn`t appreciated, I choose to go. Now, I really really can`t be bothered. I don want history to repeat itself. Much less to get hurt again.
When u came back, all changed and the total opposite of a past you, u can`t expect me to be the same. Like you, I`ve changed too. I`m not totali the opposite, but many opinions of mine have changed to suit my life. Mean, verbally abusive, unappreciating, hardly there for me, dats too much for a girl to bear for 4 years. Thoughtful, kind, well-mannered, self-sacrificing, now dat comes as a huge surprise for me and out of the ordinary bcz it was nvr like diz. Im used to the harshness, and being undeserving. Im ever ready to be scolded with vulgarities and such. Im ready to be handled roughly on the ride. Im ready to have angry phonecalls. Im ready to be left behind while u walk off without me. But all of dat is no more. U finally came back, to make me happy. I dont get it bcz what izit dat u want from me? And when i seem to not appreciate ur efforts, u think i donno how to appreciate u. But reali its bcz i don wanna get lost in all these sweet things and later get trapped in somethn dat will kill me again. History SHALL NOT repeat itself. All of these, don mean anythn. I try to make sense of it all, but nothing came to it.
For now, im going wif the flow. Bcz for all the times I lived in pain and agony, I noe i deserve some tender loving care. For all the tears i have shed to ease the pain, I noe i deserve some attention now. Getting what i deserved a long time ago NOW doesnt make me complete, still.
I long to be liked by someone special. I long to get the massive attention from him. I long to be able to spend most of my time doing memorable things with him. I long to be in love. I long to be pampered again.
However however. What Ive gone thru reminds me of exactly why Im still damn single. Not bcz I have no luck wif u guys. But bcz i push the luck away. I don want it. Im not keen on rships anymore or even frenship. I shall not take the slightest risk to be torn apart again. Call me arrogant, call me stubborn, call me mean. Just bcz u find dat i don even give u a chance to tell me ur name (haha..), tell me more abt urself, or even let u be my friend (bcz u certainly have no chance in getting the title of BF), DOES NOT mean dat Im arrogant etc. D standoffish attitude u get is due to the horrible chapters in my past. Im just breaking out of my shell damn it. Dont expect me to still be dat nice little girl who loves to give.
If i were ever given a chance to relive my life, i wud nvr want to bcz dat wud mean im just looking for death. For my beloved frenz (and i don mean doz who turn to be hypocrites and liars) and family, I don need to relive my life to know Ive known u, bcz u ppl are the ones embedded in my heart. Heh.
Talking abt frenz, none of them reali exist. Except for maybe a few which i shall not name bcz if who ever's names are not mentioned, they noe they are non-existent lor in my life. But last count, i have ard less than 8 true frenz.
Don tell me to keep things btwn us secret, bcz im already a low-profiler. If dat just mean dat u have some skeletons in the closet still, den u don earn dat trust from me honey. Nah-uh. Sometimes i wish i cud scream out loud, I HATE YOU. But nah.. Dats too strong tho its exactly what i feel. Haha.
Its too late now for things to change, bcz nothing means anythn now baby..
Blogger
Solehah Binti Mohari
June 17, 1987
19, Female
Gemini
Bedok Norf, Singapore
TP Graduate - Diploma in Business Information Technology
Chomel Pte Ltd - Merchandising Dept Single; not looking
Non-clubber; non-smoker; non-drinker
Thx for viewing my blog! =))
wishlist
hooded jacket. cardigans. grey top. purple top. orange top.
yellow top. green racerback top. grey skinny jeans.
red skinny jeans.
maroon skinny jeans. dark grey skinny jeans.
new black skinny jeans. keds sneakers.
watch. bag. everlast sneakers.
slippers. (again?! hahahha.) skinny belts.
new mp3. new flats. MNG white pullover. MNG racerbacks. 2008 diary/organiser.
